Ouranbound
by AdoribiliusKermode
Summary: In a nutshell: take 4 of the most eligible bachelors from Homestuck, put them in The Ouran High School Host Club and see what happens!
1. Act 1 Act 1

Eridan sighed as he passed the halls, looking for a place to study. Away from all the noise. He had enrolled into a human school, a high school. It was located in an island called Japan. He'd heard about the island from the Davehuman, soon after they had finished their session. The school was called Ouran High school, a school where "highblooded humans" could be educated, and he had wholeheartedly embraced that fact. he was dressed in the traditional Ouran Uniform, but he had kept his trademark scarf and glasses. He strolled the halls, spying the mahogany, gold, and silver. He brushed against a vase, which wobbled and began to fall. In a haste, Eridan whipped out his wand, and the vase hovered an inch above the ground. Phew. That vase looked expensive, but not as expensive as he had to look when he saw a few schoolgirls coming by  
"um...konichiwwa." The girls simply giggled as they walked by. Eridan scowled. Nyeh. But at the same time, he could help but notice two men, about a sweep older than him, from the looks of it. One of them had blond hair and purple eyes, and had the uniform of Ouran Academy. The other had the same uniform, but had dark hair, and his glasses, when reflected by the sunlight, shielded his eyes from view. Eridan walked on.  
==First off, How did you get here anyway?  
Oh, yeah, that. You were woken back up to fight in the battle against lord english. You died in the battle, all of you did, except for John. John claimed the Ultimate Reward. All of you were reverted back to the same age you were when you entered the game, and you had all your possessions you made when entering the game, but most of them were broken up for grist except for a few strife specibi, including your wand. Any abilities you had when you entered the game, like Sollux's psionic powers, were kept intact, even after humanization (some pages on the internet showed a teen levitating objects and shooting a beam in the sky after an allergic reaction to honey). Anyway, after you woke up in the universe that your friends created, you joined them for a meeting. Your friends being the alpha kids and the beta kids and trolls; the alpha trolls were to be reborn as your children. Anyway, after all the considerations that were being held in place (including using ectobiology to make you and all the other trolls to human form!) they decided to go back to their lives. You separated across your new homeworld, Earth, which was based off of the beta kids world. When choosing a "high school" you chose the school you go to now, along with Jake, Dirk, and your kismesis Sollux (at Feferi's behest; "so you don't go crazy and krill -Everyon-E"). You left JFK for Japan about two months ago, and you kept in touch with pesterchum.  
==Alright, let's get on with the story.  
Alright then.  
==Eridan: find abandoned music room  
You find an abandoned, unused music room. The label read Music room #3. Well, you couldn't say that it was unused now. Right now, 3 others are using this as a study space, and right now, they are the three other people you know in this school. Sollux is typing code on his computer, and Jake and Dirk are studying. You step into the room.  
==Eridan: be sollux  
You are now Sollux.  
==Sollux: acknowledge presence of Mr Fii2hdiick  
Sollux nodded at eridan. Eridan looked at sollux's computer. "wwatcha doin, sol?"  
"Codiing. For advanced computational theory. Now can you get your fuckiing hiip2ter a22 out of here?"  
"Sol..."  
"Now, Captor, old chum, isn't that a bit harsh?" Jake English sat up from his latin textbook to look the psiioniic. "I'm sure all Eridan wanted to do was to find some place a considerable distance away from the hustle and bustle from the other libraries and workrooms, and personally, I can't blame the man."  
Sollux grumbled at the man. Hope players. Why did they have a tendency to be uptight dicks?  
Eridan, a few minutes into studying, said "Hey, did you knoww i'm bein...stalked?" Eridan half expected that Sollux would say some sort of retort, but the psiionic simply widened his eyes. Jake and Dirk exchanged nervous glances. "waiit...you two?"  
"Yea-wwait a minute, wwhat did you mean by "you twwo"?"  
"Some guy2 have been stalking me a2 well. the2e two guy2, both iidentiical twiin2, redhead2."  
"Not the same guys. But yeah, me to."  
"Yo, Eridan-sama, Jake and I have been stalked as well. It's three guys, and they have been taking turns looking at us. One of them is like this one that's quite well built, with dark hair, the second is a lolita-type kid, blond kid, with a sort of a small bunny stuffed animal."  
"The third one is a kid smaller that most blokes. Brown eyes, Black hair."  
"Wwhy would they be stalkin us?"  
"Guess we have to look for reasons, dude."

"And it would not be long before one presents itself, mon ami." They all spun around to see the tall blond, the dark hair with glasses, the twins, the small lolita type, the tall well built type, and the one who was too small for somebody who has passed puberty. "2peak of the deviil."  
"An pardon my french." said Eridan, "but wwhy the fuck have you been stalkin us?"  
The dark hair with the glasses looked at Eridan. "Let's just say that we've been...analyzing you. Kyouya Ootori, at your service." Kyoya and The hipster shook hands. "You still havvent answwered the million dollar question: Wwhy havve you been stalkin us?"  
"Of course. We will explain everything, in due time. But first, would you like some instant coffee?"

Within Seconds, they were sipping coffee. "Now to answer your question. We are...recruiting, for the moment."  
"for what?"  
"For the Ouran High school Host club." Eridan heard about host clubs from a japanese documentary. "So...you wwant us to join you?"  
"Exactly." The one who called himself Tamaki Suou spoke up. "You're attractive, and each of you has a certain trait of chivalry about you, Which makes all of you ideal recruits. If we give you about two weeks of training, You could become some decent hosts."  
"Yeah, but wwhy wwould I wwant to evven think about joinin some man-wwhore-geisha-club-fin?"  
"Funny _you_ should ask," said Tamaki, with emphasis on the _you_. "Despite you being good looking, and having some charm about you, you have never asked anyone out."  
"So see this as an opportunity to try to make up for lost time." said the twins, in unison.  
"Thanks for the invitation, old chap, but I think we have other things to con-"  
"We will give you three days to consider. Oh, and Eri-kun? Thanks for saving that vase. It's a Song dynasty vase that's about to go up at a silent auction for eight billion yen."  
Eridan and his friends walked out. "Hey, diid you notice one of them wa2 a giirl?"  
"Does it evven matter, sol?"  
"Maybe iit doe2 iif you want to get clo2e to chiick2, you de2prate a22hole."

Eridan sighed. He made his way to his dorm. He undressed, and went to bed..  
==Eridan: sleep and be sollux for the night  
WWHY WWOULD I WWANT TO BE THE PISSBLOOD  
==You realise you are all the same blood color, right?  
You are now sollux.  
==Sollux: Pester Karkat  
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
TA: kk  
TA: kk  
TA: kkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk  
CG: ALRIGHT, YOU ANNOYING ASSFUCK, WHAT DO YOU WANT?  
TA: well, ii need your help wiith 2omethiing  
CG: SHOOT, FUCKASS, I'M ALL EARS.  
TA: there ii2 thii2 club ii'm thiinkiing of joiiniing.  
TA: and ii'm lookiing for your iinput  
CG: WOW  
CG: I AM SO *FUCKING* AMAZED THAT YOU WOULD ASK FOR MY INPUT ON EVERY SINGLE *FUCKING* THING  
CG: I MEAN REALLY?  
CG: ARE YOU CAPABLE AT ALL OF THINKING FOR YOURSELF?  
CG: OR ARE YOU JUST THE BIGGEST DUMBASS?  
CG: STILL, BECAUSE I'M SUCH A FUCKING BENEVOLENT SOUL.  
CG: I'LL STILL GIVE YOU HELP, LIKE A MOIRAIL SHOULD.  
CG: WHAT IS THE CLUB?  
TA: iit'2's called a ho2t club  
CG: FINE. I'LL LOOK IT UP.  
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

==Sollux: Get some fucking sleep, will you? and be jake  
You are now Jake  
Jake looked at his reflection. He'd been called many things during in New York, but one stood out: Sex God. He wasn't especially h4wt, but there was something that made him desirable. He remembered, when Evil Jane proposed to him, all those months ago, on Derse: You're lucky you're so hot. And the hope player made his decision. He would give it a shot.  
==Jake: be Tamaki

"I don't think we should keep Ampora, even if he does say yes."  
"Give him a chance."  
"Listen to what one of the recomendees said: 'a desperate fucktard who would kill just to get laid.  
"Who said that?"  
"Vantas."  
"Expected, but I'm still not convinced that we should let him go."  
"Then listen To me, Tamaki. He's a hipster, and we know how they are-"  
"THATS ENOUGH, OOTORI. I'm pulling rank." Kyoya conceded. Tamaki walked to Kyoya's side. "What have you found out about them?"  
"Ampora, Captor, and Strider are American citizens. English is a British citizen. All four have no criminal record, but-"

"But what?"  
"There's no backstory. No parents, no orphanage, they simply just appeared off the street, as if they were always there."  
"Maybe a celebrity foster child? Press considerations?"  
"That might be. But people always leave a paper trail."  
"And there's none here?"  
"Yep."  
"Any way we can contact them?"  
"They use a site called pesterchum, like us. Ampora's chumhandle is caligulasAquarium, Captor's is twinArmageddons, English's is golgothasTerror, and Strider's is timaeusTestified."  
"Good. Send the chumhandles over to Renge."  
==Tamaki: be Earth  
What? Why would you want to be a planet?  
==Just do it, fuckass  
ok, fine, You are now a FUCKING planet.  
==Earth: rotate on axis  
The only command you can fucking DO.  
==Earth: Be Dirk  
Dirk slid out of his dorm, and slid his shades on. "We good, AR?"  
"Never better, bro."  
"Then let's go."  
"Hey, AR?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Should I join the Host club?"  
"Bro, Try it. Try Hetero for a change." (Disclaimer: This is just to advance the story. I do not hate gays.)  
"Shut the fuck up, AR."  
"K."  
"And you've convinced me."

"Oh god no."  
==Karkat: pester Sollux  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling twinArmageddons [TA]  
CG: SOLLUX.  
TA: kk.  
CG: SOLLUX.  
TA: you can 2top 2ayiing my name, kk.  
CG: LET ME ASK JUST ONE QUESTION.  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?  
TA: 2o you diid re2earch iit.  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT TO JOIN A CLUB FULL OF HUMAN MALE TEASES?  
CG: IT'S LIKE A PAILHIVE WITHOUT THE PAILING!  
CG: WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?  
CG: AND WHO ELSE WOULD BE JOINING THIS CLUB?  
TA: Just Jake, Diirk, and Fii2hdiick.  
CG: WELL ERIDAN I CAN UNDERSTAND, BEING THE DESPERATE ASS THAT HE IS.  
CG: BUT YOU?  
TA: maybee II ju2t want two try iit out.  
CG: OK...  
TA: kk  
CG: WHAT?  
TA: are you jealou2?  
CG: um...  
CG: no...  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling twinArmageddons [TA]  
"kk..."  
==Sollux: Be Eridan  
No way iin hell am II going two be fii2hdiick  
==Sollux: accept offer from Tamaki  
==Eridan: Get pestered by fef  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] began trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA: hey fef  
CC: )(I -Eridan!  
CA: wwhats up  
CC: w)(al-E  
CC Karkat told m-E about the )(ost club!  
CA: wwoah  
CA: wwhat  
CA: and  
CC: and as morayeel  
CC: I want to giv-E you som-E advic-E!  
CA: ok  
CA: im all ears  
CC: T)(-Er-E ar-E pl-Enty of fis)( in t)(-E s-Ea  
CC: But it matt-Ers w)(-Er-E you ar-E  
CC: And rig)(t now, a larg-E sc)(ool of fis)( b-Elow your boat  
CC: and you )(av-E t)(-E p-Erf-Ect bait  
CC: All you hav-E to do is to put your lin-E in  
CA: wwhat does this havve to do wwith the host club  
CC: I'm t-Elling you to go, -Eridan!  
CA: thanks fef  
CA: i honestly dont knoww what i'd do wwithout you  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA]  
CA: glub  
Ah, Feferi. When the session ended, and your lives restarted, she agreed to become your moirail. She was still in new your, but she was hoping to get top marks to go to Hawaii to study marine biology. Even when you were on a-what, 15 hours time difference, you could still find time to talk.  
==Eridan, Jake, Dirk, and Sollux: wait for two days.  
When it came time to make their decision, they all stepped into the music room. They found the host club members. "Alright. It's time to make your choice. If it is your wish to join the host club, step forward."  
Sollux took a step forward. Then Dirk. Then Jake.  
"Et toi, Eri-kun?" Eridan thought about the times he had been rejected by both trolls and human, how he had been laughed at, how he had been called forever alone, desperate, a loser. He would shake it all off starting today. He stepped forward.  
"Good. Testing starts tomorrow."  
"Testin?"  
"Yes. We have to see how good you are. And how your strengths can benefit us."  
== Jake: pester Dirk  
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
GT: Strider  
TT: sup  
GT: i was wondering, old chum  
GT: if you're gay  
GT: then why in batty blazes did you join the bally host club?  
TT: Well.  
TT: I'm gay, right?  
GT: yes  
TT: And I suppose the fact that the host club is basically chaste love for hire.  
TT: If you can put two and two together, then I can put up a hetero facade.  
GT: well  
GT: I never thought of it that way, old chum.  
GT: but it is sort of like that.  
GT: Oh well  
GT: if you want to put up a hetero facade  
GT: it's a bit mad, but I appreciate you wanting to try  
TT: Thanks bro.  
TT: Actually, there is some Irony in that.  
GT: whatever do you mean?  
TT: I actually want to get closer to someone in the club.  
GT: who's the lucky man?  
TT: ******.  
GT: ******? Him?  
TT: Oh Yeah.  
GT: well, good luck with that. ta-ta for now!  
golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

==Earth: rotate on it's axis for a full revolution.  
The next day, The four ex-Sburb players went to the music room. The host clubbers and their clients were mingling around. But when Tamaki spotted the four, He tapped his tea glass with his spoon. "Ladies and gentlemen, May I present our recruits. Meet Eridan Ampora, Jake English, Dirk Strider, and Sollux Captor!" Several girls clapped. "Now, Before we can officially induct them as hosts, we have to test them to see how mush host-aptitude they have. Now, Kyoya and I must leave for now to analyze them. It pains us, I know."  
Some of the girls sighed as they passed them  
"Did you see that hair style!"  
"So Sexy!"  
"The 3-D glasses make a nice touch."  
"Look at his shades!"

They entered a room that had a couch, a table, and a few chairs. A few female students sat on the couch. Tamaki spoke up: "Dirk-kun, you might want to go first?"  
Dirk sat on the couch, and made good chat with the girls, until he heard a voice behind him. A sound of metal gears and electricity. "Stay right there. Don't move." He was gone, Into the rafters, and a Jake-like robot stepped into the testing room, and walked towards the girls. "AR, Make a calculation. How much time do I have before he reaches them?"  
"About 10 seconds, Bro."  
He waited for eight seconds, and then landed right between The Girls and the Jake-robot. The Robot shot a bullet towards Dirk. Dirk withdrew his sword, and cut. The. Bullet. In. Half. In. Midflight. "Done yet?" BANG BANG BANG BANG BANG. In seconds, 10 bullet halves lay at Dirk's feet. "My turn, old chap." Dirk leaped off the table, Raised his sword high above his head, and brought down his sword on Jake's head. Within seconds, the robot was still standing, but then, it fell apart, in two, revealing Dirk, sheathing his sword.  
"What a badass!"  
"So Sugoi!"

A few minutes, and two tests, with Sollux (Hot nerd) and Jake later (Jake played the Eloquent-sex-god-who-didn't-know-he-was-a-sex-god role, which he practically did everyday) later. Eridan sat down on the couch, between the two girls. Before he could speak up, one of the girls asked him "Eri-chan, what are your interests?"  
"I hold a fascination for military history and legendary conquerors. Because of this, I havve dubiously modeled my profile and exploits after the most notorious figures and their stories, wwhich are bristling wwith the glory a vvictory and the sting a defeat and political machinations and," he leaned in toward the girl who ask him the question, curling his finger under her chin, "romantic intrigue."  
==Sollux: Have amazing idea  
Sollux's mind clicked. It was an idea that would seal the deal with him and Eridan in the host club. He stormed in the room, and yelled "AMPORA!" Eridan looked at Sollux with with Disgust. "Wwhat do you wwant, Sol..." But just then, it seemed that a pair of invisible hands grabbed Eridan's own. They tied Eridan's hand's behind his back, and before Eridan knew what he was doing, Sollux and Eridan locked lips. They separated momentarily "Do you want two know how much II hate you, ED?"  
"Tell me sol..."  
"ii de2pii2e you. ii would want two kiill you thousands of tiime2 over..."  
"Me too sol...me too." They kissed again, Sollux snaking his tongue into Eridan's mouth. Eridan Bit the tongue. This broke Sollux's psionic concentration, and allowed Eridan to fight back. You see, kismesis is not like matespritship in the fact of expressing love (or hate). Kissing is not like in a matespritship. For kismesises, it is a battle, one of dominance. Sollux and Eridan separated, to see both the girls slouched over the back of the couch, with nosebleeds. The twins carried them out.

"So, sol...do wwe die noww?"  
Sollux was gone.

Eridan walked up to Tamaki. "Hey, Tam. I might need some help with the wwhole host club thing." Tamaki turned his head toward Eridan. "But of course!" Tamaki extended his had towards Eridan. "Come on, let's dance."

"Wwait, wwhat?"

"It helps one think and concentrate. But, I digress." Eridan begrudgingly took Tamaki's hand. "Alright, you have to not only get them in the mindset, but you in a mindset that they love you and the feeling is mutual. That is the key to a successful session with a client. At the host club, we call it a Razzle-dazzle." Eridan still put on a face of confusion, so Tamaki continued. "Eridan, you got nothing to worry about. It's all a circus, kid. An eleven-ringed circus. This club- the whole world-it's all show business. But kid, you're working with a star, the biggest!"

"Wwhat?"  
"Give 'em the old razzle dazzle  
Razzle Dazzle 'em  
Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it  
And the reaction will be passionate  
Give 'em the old hocus pocus  
Bead and feather 'em  
How can they see with tears all in in their eyes?  
It's not like your hinges all are rusting?  
Come on, Eri, you're not disgusting!  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
And they;ll never catch wise!  
Give 'em the old Razzle Dazzle

Give 'em a show that's so splendiferous  
Row after row will crow vociferous

Give 'em the old double whammy  
Daze and dizzy 'em  
Back since the days of old Methuselah  
Everyone loves the big bambooz-a-ler  
Give 'em the old three ring circus  
Stun and stagger 'em  
When you're in trouble, go into your dance  
Though you are stiffer than a girder  
They'll let you get away with murder  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
And you've got a romance~!

Give 'em the old Razzle Dazzle  
Razzle dazzle 'em  
Show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are! "But magic aint reel Tam"  
Long as you keep 'em way off balance  
They'll get a show of all your talents!  
Razzle Dazzle 'em

And they'll make you a star!" Eridan stared at the prince. "T-thanks, Tam. I gotta go." Eridan burst from the Music room. "Wwho does this fucker think he is? Casanovva?"

caligulasAquarium[CA] began pestering twinArmageddons[TA]  
CA: WWHAT THE FUCK SOL  
TA: what are you talkiing about?  
CA: SNOGGIN WWHEN I WWAS TESTIN  
TA: iit wa2 iimportant two you?  
CA: yeah  
CA: wwhy wwould you evven ask  
TA: well  
TA ii would a2ume that you would not take iit intwo con2iideratiion  
TA that you were a de2prate a22  
CA: wwoww  
CA: wwhy  
CA: wwould you evven consider  
CA: that im desperate  
TA: then why diid you joiin thii2 club?  
CA: changed my mind  
TA: two late.  
CA: fuck  
TA: gtg, 2omebody'2 pe2teriing me  
TA: byyyyyeeeee.  
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

==Random dumbass: pester Sollux  
enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM] began pestering twinArmegeddons [TA]  
TA: who the fuck ii2 thii2 a22hole?  
EM: excuse me?  
TA: you heard me.  
EM: Not the best first impression for your manager...  
TA: what?  
TA: iim 2orry, but ii dont even have a manager...how diid you get thii2 chumhandle?  
EM: a bit of combing.  
TA: god  
TA: who are you?  
==Sollux: be this random asshole  
A young girl stands in her dormitory. The day is like any other. What will this young girl's name be?  
==Bitchy Otaku  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-NO. Hikaru, Kaoru, Get off the keyboard. This chick is so mad snakes could come out of her hair. Yeah, like Medusa.  
== Renge Houshakuji  
Your name is Renge Houshakuji. You are a French otaku, or anime fangirl, as mentioned before. You love Cosplay and Doujinshi, both pillars of anime culture. You have a particular fondness for the video-game anime Uki Doki Memorial! a dating sim game, and the characters surprisingly resemble the members of the host club. You are especially fond of the character Miyabi Ichijo, one of the main characters. Speaking of the host club, you are their manager. As such, you are in control of every aspect of life as hosts, and you are also in charge of new recruits.  
==Renge: get pestered by Haruhi  
neutralAttorney[NA] began pestering enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM]  
EM: Haruhiiiii~  
NA: hey, Renge  
EM: so, had something to say  
NA: Me too  
EM: don't worry, you go first.  
NA: well, renge  
NA: I know you have this crush on me, right?  
EM: um  
EM: yeah  
EM: is this it?  
EM: are you really asking me out?  
NA: not exactly.  
NA: I just wanted to tell you.  
NA: I'm a girl  
EM: wait  
EM: you're a chick?  
NA: yeah. And I'm not homo and you aren't either, so it just wont work.  
NA: sorry  
NA: I hope we can still be friends  
neutralAttorney[NA] ceased pestering enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM]  
AAAUUURGHHHH. Another doomed romance. You wonder when you will find the perfect guy.  
==Oh, wait, you already have.  
If you could marry any man in the world, it would be Miyabi Ichijo, but there is one thing separating you and a life of eternal bliss: he is a fictional character. You found some look-alikes, including Kyoya Otoori, but their personalities didn't match, and Haruhi, who, as it just turned out, is a girl.  
==Renge: make out with Miyabi on UDM poster.  
You pucker up...  
==This  
==Is  
==Stupid  
it is wholeheartedly stupid. For a girl of your social and economical stature, this is just plain madness. Besides, you should be checking up on the recruits, shouldn't you?  
==Renge: pester Sollux.  
enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM] began pestering twinArmegeddons [TA]  
TA: who the fuck ii2 thii2 a22hole?  
EM: excuse me?  
TA: you heard me.  
EM: Not the best first impression for your manager...  
TA: what?  
TA: iim 2orry, but ii dont even have a manager...how diid you get thii2 chumhandle?  
EM: a bit of combing.  
TA: god  
TA: who are you?  
EM: Renge Houshakuji, class 1-A, and the manager for the Host Club  
TA: oh. Once agaiin, how diid you get thii2 chumhandle?  
EM: um...Reasons  
TA: rea2on2?  
EM: it's of no matter. Listen, I've see the clips of eri-chan's testing, and I believe, The host club could create a new package.  
TA: "package"...waiit a miinitue, i2 thii2 about more lucratiive way2 you can market u2?  
TA: and iit probably mean2 that me and ED are goiing to try two kiill each other, and then make out?  
TA: gog.  
EM: ttyl, sol-kun. We shall talk more in the future. I need to pester eri-chan.  
enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM] ceased pestering twinArmegeddons [TA]

== Renge: Pester Eri-chan  
enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]  
EM: Eri-chaaaaan~  
CA: wwhat  
CA: wwho's pesterin me  
CA: howw did you get this chumhandle  
EM: My name is Renge. I am the manager of the host club.  
CA: oh  
CA: right  
EM: Well, eri-chan, there is something i'd like to address  
CA: if its about the wwhole sol-kissin-me fin, then I can explain  
EM: please do.  
CA: wwhale, wwhen I wwas a kid, me an my friends came up wwith a system different from human romance, so wwe could afford to be a bit...promiscuous wwith our crushes  
CA: wwe came up wwith the quadrant system  
CA: There are four types of romance in our system  
EM: Explain.  
CA: wwhale  
CA: theres matespritship  
CA: wwhich is like regular human romance  
CA: there's moirailigence  
CA: wwhich is like BFF's except youre supposed to keep your moirail from killin evverybody  
CA: theres kismesisitude  
CA: wwhich is like matespritship except instead of wwantin the best for each other you wwanna alwways krill them  
CA: sol and i are in a kismesis  
CA: to explain our behavior  
CA: and finally, auspitisim  
CA: wwhere twwo people get an auspice  
CA: to keep them from killin each other  
EM: alright  
EM: that's all i need  
CA: wwait  
CA: wwhat in hell do you wwant the quadrant system for  
enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]  
==a few days: pass  
The next day, The four former sburb/sgrub players opened the door to see not a theme, but all the members of the host club, as well as a blonde with high school uniform and a bow in her hair.  
"Ah, you four. Come take a seat." Jake stepped up to Renge. "My apologies, miss, i'm under the belief that we were not formerly acquainted. My name is English. Jake English. And I believe you are, miss?  
"Renge Houshakuji."  
"Oh, yes, of course. I believe I have seen you before. We're in class 1-A, no?"  
"Of course." Eridan sat up. "noww, wwhat did you call us for?"  
"We've gathered here to discuss your 'types'"  
"wwhat?"  
"You see, each of the members of the host club are classified into types-Tamaki is the "prince" type, Kyoya is the "cool" type, Honey-sempi the "Boy-lolita" type, Haruhi the "natural" type, Mori-sempi the "Strong and silent" and lastly, the "Little devils" Hikaru and Kaoru."  
"An wwhat you are sayin is that wwe need to be classified too?"  
"Exactly. Eri-chan, How about you First?" Eridan stepped forward. "I admit, you're classification was hard. You had the sort of "princely" type, but we do have Tamaki for that."  
"And?"  
"Yet, one has to notice that you do have a dark side-one that appears early. But you seem to be a very caring person on the inside. It seems that it's hard for you to warm up to people, but when you do, you really care about them. Thus, after placing it into careful consideration-Drumroll please-I have decided to classify you into the-TSUNDERE TYPE!" The members of the host club clapped. But Renge moved on.  
"Sol-chan. Your case was easy, if you'll pardon me. as some of your friends have told me, you seem to be a bit of a geek. Also, You are quite down on yourself, for no reason at all. No confidence."  
"There's a reason for that."  
"Oh?"  
"sol's last gillfrond was in the middle of a...car crash. Lingered in the hospital for an entire year. Then, wwhen she wwoke up, she wwas'nt the same." A whole hour of silence passed before Renge spoke again.  
"But still, despite this, you seems to be quite...attractive. Which is why you are now the EMO HOT NERD!"  
"Now, for Jake. In your conversations during your testing, you came off as very gentlemanly and eloquent-almost the perfect guy. You might make a more successful host than Tamaki himself. (at this, Tamaki had a minor spaz attack.) When he was done, Renge continued.  
"However, every man has his faults. As some of your friends have told me-was Jane her name?-You seem not to catch on to when a girl notices you. Which is why you will be dubbed the-HARD-TO-GET type!" Finally, she stepped up to the 16 year old in shades. "Dirk-kun. your testing was-interesting to say the least. Also, you seem to be the "cool kid" out of the group. Which gives you the distinction of the-KUUDERE TYPE!" Some of the host club members clapped.  
"Now, come back tomorrow. That will be your first day as an official host." They all walked out. "Eridan, Sollux-a word." The two erstwhile trolls turned around  
"Y-ye2?"  
"Do you know why the Hitachiin twins always seem to be together?"  
"Uh, yeah."  
"Well, That's because they are part of a package deal. Two boys for the price of one or one and one half."  
"And you wwant to make another of these "package deals?"  
"Exactly, Eri-kun! Do you know what you told me about the quadrants, specifically kismesis?" Sollux looked a bit miffed. "ED, You told her about the QUADRANT2?" Renge paid Sollux no attention. "Like people, Relationships have a dark side, and I want to exploit that! Girls love that stuff!"  
"So, Sort of like a love-hate thing, right?"  
"Exactly!" But Eridan had enough. "So-can wwe get out a here?"  
"oh, yeah-sorry for getting overexcited." Eridan and Sollux walked off, Eridan a bit more quickly than usual. But Sollux turned around, to see renge, looking a little bit worse for wear emotionally He turned around and said "yo, renge, what2 up?"  
==Renge: engage in a sort of dating sim conversation with Sollux  
"yo, renge, what2 up?"  
**Oh...Nothing**  
It's hard being the host club manager, that's all  
It's about Haruhi.  
"Dont bee liike that. II Have depre2iion two. Of cour2e, ii don't mean two pry..."  
Really?  
**It's about Haruhi.**  
nah, It's really OK...  
"Really? You, two?"  
What do you mean, you too?  
"You found out two? Yeah, ii't wa2nt hard. ii know 2he'2 a giirl. Que2tiion ii2, why would that bee depre2iing?"  
Meh. I guess I'm still getting over the shock  
**I had this...Crush on Her**  
"Really?"  
**Yeah.**  
"Care to tell me?"  
Maybe not today  
**It's about this game...(Let's it all hang out)**  
just young, stupid love...  
"That mu2t bee hard. Thank2 for 2hariing that. Are you OK?"  
Yeah  
Um...No. It got worse  
**yeah...Thanks...**  
"no prob...hey, iif you want two talk agaiin, just come two me, k?  
Thank You!  
OMG MIYABI LOOKALIKE (Glomps)  
**Thanks...You want to maybe chat later...(moves eyebrows up and down)**  
"uh...k..."  
(If this flash does not work, then try another browser. Chrome or firefox works best.)

==Sollux: pester Karkat  
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
TA: kk  
CG: WHAT.  
TA: kk, ii need your help  
CG: OK. SHOOT.  
TA: well, ii need 2ome romantiic adviice.  
CG: YOUR SITUATIONS NEVER CEASE TO AMAZE ME, FUCKTARD.  
CG: YOU, THE MOST LUCKIEST GUY IN THE WORLD WHEN IT COMES TO THE QUADRANTS, COMES TO ME, THE BIGGEST FUCKTARD IN THE WORLD, FOR *ROMANTIC ADVICE*?  
CG: CAPTOR, ARE YOU FUCKING PLAYING ME FOR A FUCKTARD HERE?  
TA: no  
TA: and 2top 2ayiing fucktard  
CG: OK, SO WHO IS IT?  
TA: 2ome chick. and ii dont have a cru2h on her  
TA: iit2 the other way round.  
CG: OK  
CG: SO?  
CG: MY ADVICE IS THAT YOU PLAY IT OUT, SEE WHERE IT GOES. I SHE LIKE...HOT?  
TA: Ii gue22 2o.  
CG: WELL THERE YOU GO THEN.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]  
TA: kk  
TA: what ii2 your problem  
TA: wow  
TA: thii2 wiill not affect our moiirallegiiance

Renge walked with a spring in her step. this was so awesome! A song came to her lips, trippingly on the tongue:

"Just as a wake up, this morning I had one person on my mind.  
Yes, it was you.  
I had my hair cut, so you would notice me and ask me about my new style.  
I wear my favorite pleated skirt and place hairclips so nicely when  
I step outside to tell myself, "Today is the day you'll see me in a new way."

Melting, I'm melting when I think of you.  
But it's impossible for me to say that I love you.  
And still I'm melting, I can't look into your eyes.  
I promise truly that deep down inside of me.  
That you're the one my heart is meant for.  
Forever more.

The forecast was a lie and now I am standing all alone in this storming downpour.  
I found my umbrella, but sighed quietly.  
"Why both to stay dry out here anymore?"  
At least that was before, I heard your voice and turned to see  
When you said, "Will you share it with me?"  
I couldn't stop my smile from showing through.  
As I fall even more in love with you.

Melting, oh I'm finding it hard to breathe.  
I trembled when I felt your hand, oh my heart's racing.  
And now you're here with me, with this umbrella in the rain.  
I want to be the one that you will hold forever.  
You're so close beside me, don't you know?

I pray to God, "Oh please, let this moment last for the two of us."  
Yet I feel so happy that I could cry.

Melting, our time of parting has arrived.  
So will we meet again or will we truly say goodbye?  
Though I am melting, I know I can't stay with you.  
So I'll keep praying you'll never forget me.  
Then maybe someday you'll return to say 'I love you.'" Renge collapsed on her dorm room bed hours later, the boy with the lisp the only thing on her mind.


	2. Act 1 Act 2

==AK: begin act 1 act 2

The next day, They went to the music room, and The stood in front of a crowd. Tamaki was in front of them. He started to speak: "Ladies, we have some first-time hosts. You know what this means: we need a raffle. All of you who have requested anyone had been put in this hat. and you will put you hand in another hat, and pull out the flower of the new host you picked. The lucky guest will be-drumroll please:" at this, Tamaki froze. The new host was in for a...surprise... "Kanako Kasugazaki!" At this, a young woman with short brown hair and brown eyes made her way through the club. Haruhi turned to Kyoya, "Isn't she the one with the host hopping-disease?"  
"Yep."  
Back at the center of the crowd, Kanako's soft hands searched the hat, and she pulled out a Tiaré Flower. "Good lord...the lucky guest that will be spending his hour with you will be-JAKE ENGLISH!" English got up. He donned his Ouran uniform for the occasion, but kept two Smith and Wesson model .500s tucked under. When the crowd parted, he walked towards her, and took her hand. "Hello miss. I couldn't help but notice you were all alone in this place! The name is English, Jake English. Would you mind if I direct you to a seat? Maybe get you some refreshments? By the way, I didn't get your name." She grinned. "Kasugazaki. Kanako Kasugazaki."  
He smiles back, taking a seat next to her. "Thank you. Its a pleasure Kanako." He folds his hands like he was tough, keeping his smile polite. "Should I get you something to drink?"  
"Some tea would be nice, yes." He sweeps back in moments later with a tray of tea for her. "Here we are. Sorry to keep you waiting!" He places a tea cup in front of her on a saucer and pours some of the fragrant tea in.  
"So, what brings you in here?"  
"Oh, I just come in here every so often."  
"I know we were picked, just at random, so, I have to ask who your favorite might be?" She took a sip of tea, then put some cream in. "I would say Haruhi, for now...but you seem rather cute. You are cuter than I heard. I decided I'll let you be my favourite, for now."  
"Um...I..." In the distance, Haruhi and Kyoya watched. "Her next victim."  
"Indeed."

With Jake taken by Kanako, the others had talked to milling around. Eridan was about to go get some coffee, when two girls accosted him. "Sol-chan told us you could do magic tricks! Can you show us some?" Eridan spun around, whipped out his wand, and waved it, muttering some spells. In about a second, The wand let off a loud bang, and two orchids popped out. Eridan plucked it out and gave it to each of them. "My flowwer. I chose the orchid because a it's uniqueness. It's because I knoww that each girl is different in their beauty and charm." The guests smiled "Noww, that bein said, Its not like I like you, or anything...b-baka!" As they ran off, Tamaki went behind Eridan. "Eri-kun, you are doing remarkably well for a novice. You really are very tsundere. May I ask how you got such talent in you?"  
"I personally don't knoww, Tam. I wwas quite...unlucky in lovve until noww, I regret."  
"Well, It's nice to know that you have it. Where do you come from, anyway?" At this, Eridan was glad that he had practiced his story, in case anyone asked because if humans realised that their universe was created by 20 teens from another universe they would flip their shit.  
"I wwas born in Neww York to a prominent Admiral-turned-businessman in the navy. My Mother wwas a wwealthy businesswoman working in technology who had died. Turned out That dad used his old Merchant marine contacts to ship units overseas. and, it turn out, me as wwell." This was a lie. One final service Sburb/Sgrub provided you was a backstory, something others could work with.  
In another corner, Renge and Sollux were chatting. "It'2 niice two 2ee ED a2 a charmer. U2ually he'2 a whiiny a22hole who goe2 emo when he get2 rejected, whiich ii2 often."  
"Really now?"  
"yeah. But ii liike to 2ee myself as a biit more...gentlemanly than that."  
"So-after this do you want to get some shitty commoner ramen?"  
"ii2 that a que2tiion or a 2tatement of the obviiou2?"  
"Neither. It's an order." After a trip to the cafeteria, ordering ramen, and trying to redo the the Lady and the tramp noodle kissing scene (Sollux used his psionic powers to keep it straight) they headed back to the dorms. Sollux noticed Renge singing 'Rolling Girl'.  
"Hat2une Miiku?"  
"OMG! You like her too? No shit?"  
"No 2hiit."  
On their way back, They Didn't notice the twins spying on them, but sollux knew well enough after he got pestered.  
prankingGemini [PG] began pestering twinArmegeddons [TA]  
TA: hey Hiikaru  
PG: wait...How do you know my name  
TA: let'2 cut out all the 2herlock holme2 2hiit and just say-who the fuck el2e would have a chumhandle called prankiingGemiinii?  
PG: kaoru.  
TA: poiint taken. but he2 gemiiniiPrankster. now, what diid you want to pester me about  
PG: Its about renge.  
TA: iit2 none of your buii2ne22  
PG: can i give a fellow man some romantic advice?  
TA: ii gue22.  
PG: well, take this from me. Dont even try.  
TA: what, datiing her? doe2 the ho2t club have 2ome rule against bf2/gf2? beecau2e if they do  
PG: no, it's not that. Listen, she's an otaku  
TA: a what?  
PG: an anime fangirl, listen, just look up Miyabi Ichijo, and you will see what I mean.  
TA: what? hiikaru-  
PG: gtg bro  
prankingGemini [PG] began pestering twinArmegeddons [TA]  
==Sollux: look up Miyabi Ichijo  
Holy shit...  
==Sollux: have an epiphany.  
Except for the hair color and the type of dress, Miyabi could be your dead ringer. Or vice versa. So that's why Hikaru was upset...  
==Sollux: Don't really give two fucks.  
Maybe a chick would be more upset. But he didn't seem to be, for some reason. he looked up "otaku" and the dots connected. She was obsessed with Miyabi, and you looked like him. You would be so pissed, but not here, not now.  
==Sollux: Get some fucking sleep, will you? and be jake  
Jake was getting ready to get some sleep. It was a first successful day as a host. Though he found "Kanako" quite intriguing. Suddenly, his computer beeped.  
calculatingExecutive [CE] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  
GT: Allo old chum!  
GT: top of the evening!  
CE: jake-kun  
GT: ah, yes, this is a host chumhandle, is it not?  
GT: wait, no, let me guess-Kyoya?  
CE: correct.  
GT: what services can i perform for you, old fellow?  
CE: Actually, it is me who wishes to perform such services. I want to tell you about your new client, Kanako Kasugazaki.  
GT: yes  
GT: and  
CE: well, I must tell you that she will be your soon-to-be-erstwhile client.  
CE: She has a condition known as Host-hopping disease  
CE: it's very rare  
GT: so she differs from the common practice that one girl chooses a bloke, and then sticks with her man, right?  
CE: exactly.  
GT: not that upset about it. Why would that be?  
CE: that's what I'm asking you. Find out why, and report to either Tamaki or I in the near future. Speaking of the near future, I suggest you find a suit.  
GT: why would that be, old chum?  
CE: because, jake-kun, of the halloween masquerade ball on the 31st.  
GT: my word! Fortunately, I have just the thing. You have no need to get your fancy knickerbockers in a twist, and even if you did, you would have them ironed out for you, wouldn't you?  
CE: uh...yeah...either way, the reason I brought it up was because you could ask her to dance, and then get some info on her. But you probably won't have to do that. She would likely ask you.  
GT: got it.  
calculatingExecutive [CE] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

The days went by. Eridan and Sollux perfected their routine, called Boys hate by Renge, which consisted of Eridan and Sollux beating the holy living god out of each other and then making out. But that is another matter. The 31st made it's way to Ouran. Commoner children might dress up in poorly made factory-garments, but the men of Ouran were dressed in splendid costumes and masks. Even the commoners had some fun, as Hikaru and HKaoru went up and down the village putting up signs for any young woman, commoner or no, to dance with a host for the night, to feel like a princess in more than garb.  
==ok, Tamaki, you had your moment, now get off the keyboard.  
That night, all of Ouran was in terrifying splendor. Eridan had donned his old cape for the event in conjunction with his tuxedo, and felt the Alternian silk on his skin remind him of another home, which was long gone now, and this was home. Dirk and Sollux kept their shades. Jake had his pistols hidden under his coat pockets. They went up to the dance hall and milled about. The princes of hope and heart had disappeared, probably taken away by girls, Renge was chatting with Sollux.  
"Hey, Renge. uhh...ii know about the whole 'otaku" thiing."  
"Oh, yeah-sorry."  
"No need."  
"Wait-really? You don't mind?"  
"Yeah. You know why? Becau2e you remiind me of 2omeone two."  
"Aww!"  
Jake was just milling about, when a white gloved hand grabbed his arm. He was led to a separate area not populated by dancers. The hands owner was Kanako. She was also in possession of a dress that was cerulean, with embroidered spider webs on it. "Well? Do you approve?"  
==jake: have a minor fanboygasam that you manage to keep inside about blue spidery girls.  
"Oh my lord. I love the color. And the webs are a nice touch." Kanako extended her hand. "May I have this dance?"  
"Oh, yes-thank you." He took her hand, and they were spinning across the dance floor. They were both smiling, he thought she was absolutely beautiful, and it had nothing to do with the dress. It reminded him of that Frank Sinatra song: "The way you wear your hat, The way you sip your tea. The memory of all that - No, no - they can't take that away from me-" For a second, he thought he was in love. Once they were outside, Jake and Kanako kissed, just for a second. "Thank you."  
"It was my pleasure."  
"By the way, what was that about Haruhi being your favorite then switching to me?"  
"Oh, it's nothing..."  
"No, really, I don't mean to pry..."  
"Do you really want to know?"  
"Yes. I do."  
"I have Host-hopping disease. I switch from host to host. It's a problem."  
"Not at all miss, not at all. But why?" She sighed. "I have a fiancee. We've been both good childhood friends. But he's just been so elusive. He doesn't want to talk. It's not like there's something between us, He just doesn't pay attention to me. Dont get the wrong Idea, I'm not some sort of attention whore, but just-for my fiancee, shouldn't he spend more time with me."  
"I say, for a fiancee, he doesn't court you as much as she should."  
"I-I'm sorry, Jake-chan." She was walking away, picking up speed. "W-wait! We can fix this!"  
But she was gone. Behind him, A tall man with short hair came behind him. "Excuse me, have you seen Kanako?"  
"Um...No, why?"  
"Shouldn't a young woman like her be able to dance with her fiance? Anyway if you do tell her, then pester me. platonicMerchant." Jake took off in the opposite direction. "Dammit!" He was musing the fickleness of women when he came upon some girls "Jake-chan! Jake-chan! Come dance with us!" He put on his smile, as if it was a wig, and dashed off to dance, and he did so until the voice of Tamaki Suoh bid everyone good night (mares). Jake walked alone back to his dorm, singing Sinatra: "The way you hold your knife (do-do-do-do do-do), The way we danced until three, The way you've changed my life-No, no - they can't take that away from me-"  
"No, they can't take that away from me." A voice belonging to Tamaki spoke in the darkness. "Tamaki, old chum, what are you doing at this hour?"  
"Jake-kun, Do you know the purpose of the host club?"  
"To make all girls happy?"  
"Yes-but it's more than a pretty smile, good looks, proper upbringing, chivalry, and charm. The host club can do some clandestine operations so that girls can be happier in their social life, such as ending a family feud, ending bullying because of lack of pedigree, or-"  
"Recoline a girl with her fiance, I get it, but how-"  
"And right now, you're in the middle of it. Which means you can control the situation better than we can expect."  
"So what do you want me to do?"  
"He's not paying attention to her, huh? Then let's have it that way! She's host-hopping to spite him into paying attention to her! We over exaggerate this fact that she's seeing not one, but MULTIPLE men! However, It might take a long time. To expedite the process, we will need you at the center of the conspiracy. We'll go on from there."  
Jake frowned. "If I may ask, who is the fiance?"  
Tamaki shifted his weight. "Toru Suzushima. He's a childhood friend of Kanako. Their parents decided the engagement. He is about to study abroad in England. His family, the Suzushima Trading Company, has a business in selling fine china and mainly deals with the import and export of tableware. Right now, their share of the market is number one in the country. His grades are impressive, his family prestige is so-so, his looks are average, his strong point is his serious personality. His bad aspect is that he doesn't leave a strong impression and he's weak. So he is considered 'boring'. But that's enough for today. Why don't you get some sleep?" Jake went to his dorm, when he heard a familiar song. Then he saw Kanako, sprawled over his bed, with some...Suggestive lingere. Ok, it was more like a two-piece bathing suit. However, It was blue, with Spiderwebs on it. Jake gasped. "Oh my God!"  
She laughed. "Pardon?"  
"Oh no, Kanako. Oh no."  
"What's wrong?  
"Miss Kasugazaki, you didn't... I mean, you didn't expect..."  
"What?" He huffed. "I mean for frigs flippin sake, you didn't really think I'd do something like that."  
"Like what?" He was getting exasperated. "What do you think?" She shrugged. "Well, I don't know."  
"For god's sake, Madam. Here we are. You got into my dorm. You... put on music. When before you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your Fiancee will be going to England within the month, and won't be back till the end of the year."  
"So?"  
"Miss Kasugazaki, you're trying to seduce me."  
She laughed again. "Huh?"  
"Aren't you?"  
"Well, Do you mind?"  
"What?"  
"Me seducing you."  
Jake smiled. "I don't mind. In fact-if your aim was to seduce me, then guess what?"  
"What?"  
"Mission accomplished." She grinned as he Leaned on top of her, his hands on either side of her, as they kissed.  
"By the way, the music?" She smiled at him. "Oh, yeah. I picked the song because those are the two articles of clothing I can't guarantee I wont be taking off you this evening..."

==Jake: be Eridan  
In his dream, Eridan was running, from...something. He was a troll again, and he had a deep gash all around his waist. Suddenly, a steel tipped tentacle pierced his body, and He choked blood. "arrrghhh..."  
He then kept running, his wound healing, But it took energy. Suddenly, feferi appeared in front of him. Her beautiful brown hair reverted to black, and she had the horns and skin of a troll. She had wings, though when she was flapped them, they looked like thousand of wings were flapping. She also had a chainsaw, covered in lilac blood. She had a horrible hole in her chest. ")(I, Cronus!"  
"Fef? Thank cod, wwe need to get out a here-"  
"W)(at do you mean aboat w-E?"  
"huh?"  
"Oh, Cronus…W)(at do you mean we?"  
"Oh...Oh cod this isn't about that that, isn't it?  
"Of course it is!"  
"No. Please, fef, listen to me, It was nevver my intention"  
"I couldn't give two fucks." She raised the chainsaw high above her head, and then Eridan snapped out of his dream screaming.  
"Wwhat..." He leaned forward. "Oh my fuckin cod."

A half-week passed. Jake and Kanako's relationship intensified, as well as Sollux and Renge's. They entered the music room, like always. Eridan and Dirk were met with their requests. So was Sollux. Jake was standing around, before Kanako accosted him. "Hey." he brought her to a seat, then sat next to her. "I'm sorry about what happened. Tamaki told me what that was about."  
"What-?"  
"Toru Suzushima. Isn't he your fiance?"  
"Uh...yeah. I really like him, don't get me wrong, but I don't know if he likes me back. I mean, just-I really dont know why he avoids me. He never asks me out or whatever."  
"I know the feeling."  
"Hey-Do you want to go out sometime? On a date? Just you and me?"  
"Um-yeah, sure. Do you have a chumhandle?"  
"Yeah. abandonedParamour."  
Meanwhile, Eridan was paired up with Honey-sempi, and he couldn't help but notice a door, out of the corner of his eye, a door that looked honestly like something out of Dracula. "Hey. Wwhat's that?"  
"Oh, That's the black magic club, eri-chan. They are really creepy."  
"wwait, a magic club? Hun, clearly you're pullin my leg. wwe both knoww magic isnt reel."  
"Whatever you say, eri-chan-AUUGH! Eridan, help!" Honey's face was in a expression of horror. Eridan turned and saw nothing more than a high school girl with dirty blonde hair who looked like she needed sleep. Honey's followers gasped too. The lead said, "Oh, no! Reiko Kanazuki! Girls! Protect Honey!"  
"Wwhat's all the fuss?"  
"Reiko Kanazuki, class 1-D. Second in command of the black magic club. She has a crush on Honey, but she does not see it as stealing her heart, she thinks that he stole her soul. For that reason, she wants to curse him." Kyoya sighed sympathetically.  
"Wwoww. She looks kinda cute though..."  
"I mean, if you want to be sent to hell for eternity, then Don't mind me."  
Meanwhile, Dirk looked at the host club, and he had to admit-He had a thing for one of them. But how to get to that special somebody? It was clear that he was straight as a pencil, so how to get his attention...Dirk's brain clicked, and he walked over to the dark-haired girl, the one that pretended to be a boy.  
"Hey, Haruhi, what's up?"

The sun went down as Jake and Kanako looked at the cherry blossoms. "Thanks for understanding."  
"No problem." And then they kissed. Suddenly, Jake had an Idea. "Um...Kanako. I have an Idea. Dang nab it, I've got to go." He got up from the bench and ran as fast as he could "TAMAKI!" he ran into tamaki, and the two men were spawling on the floor. "Jake-kun!"  
"Tamaki, I've got the best idea. We need to get Toru and Kanako together! We need to force them to be together. I'll get Sollux to make up a fake chumhandle, and pose as an admirer of Toru, and in the meantime, I'll pester Kanako."  
"Ok, So?"  
"Let's have the 'admirer' ask Toru out on a date, and then I'll pester Kanako at the same time, asking her out to the same place."  
"It's worth a shot. I'll talk to Sollux. Komatuan should be a good rendezvous."  
patientMatchmaker [PM] began pestering platonicMerchant [PM]  
PM: Hey, Toru  
PM: wait  
PM: how did you get this chumhandle  
PM: I'm just a big fan  
PM: ok  
PM: what do you want to talk about  
PM: I just want to go out with you  
PM: like, on a date?  
PM: Er, actually  
PM: I'm sorry  
PM: I actually have a fiancee  
PM: Oh, it's ok, cant you have a bit of fun before the special day?  
PM: Ok, I guess. Where to?  
PM: Does Komatuan, at 7 tomorrow sound OK for a date?  
PM: Ok  
PM: ok, then. Meet me at the front of the restaurant by then!  
patientMatchmaker [PM] ceased pestering platonicMerchant [PM]  
Sollux then turned to jake. "Alriight, englii2h. Pe2ter your giirlfriiend."  
golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering abandonedParamour [AP]  
AP: Jake-chan?  
GT: I was wondering  
GT: would you like to go Komatuan, about 7oclock, on the morrow?  
AP: Oh  
AP: of course  
golgothasTerror [GT] Ceased pestering abandonedParamour [AP]  
Tamaki then turned to the host club. "Hikaru, Kaoru, I want all of Toru's ties and Kanako's gowns bugged, just in case. Kyoya, Mori, i want you at the restaurant at 6:45. Sol-kun, link the mics to the radio system and be ready to break off the date between you and Toru at 7:00. Jake, be prepared to break off too, at 7:00. Honey-just be cute and eat some cake." The lolita Grinned and ran off to the Ouran bakery.

The next day, Kyoya and Mori went to the restaurant and waited. Sure enough, Kanako was the first to arrive, at 5:50. Then, Toru. "Eridan, Dirk. They're here. Get the bugs live. Spider dress and red and blue tie."  
Inside a converted limo, Eridan and Dirk were chatting about Tamaki when Kyoya's voice crackled through the radio. "You heard him. Get live." Eridan and Dirk jumped to action. Sure enough, it work. "...I'm surprised to see you, Toru-san."  
"Please, drop the honorifics. Hang on a minute, Someone's pestering me." he looked at his phone. "Dang. My date dropped me." Kanako was looking at her own phone. "Me too. Haha..."  
"So jake and sol finally got through." Eridan mumbled under his breath. But Toru spoke again. "So, you don't think it's appropriate if I ask you to dinner?"  
"I wouldn't mind." They asked for a table, got seated, Ordered, then started chatting. "It's a pleasure to see you here."  
"I know."  
"Who asked you out?"  
"Oh, My current favorite, Jake English. You?"  
"Oh, Some...admirer. I honestly don't know her name."  
"Thats odd."  
"I know. Hey. I'm sorry."  
"For what?"  
"For not giving you the attention and respect that I should have. My dad just wants me to become more involved with the company, that's all. And...I'm sorry."  
"Hey."  
"Yeah?"  
"It's ok." At the other end of the line, Eridan and Dirk cheered. "KYO! KYO! DID YOU HEAR THAT?"  
"Yep."  
"I THINK THAT WWAS A SUCCESS!"  
They celebrated by coming out and having dinner at the same place. "Now that is an operation!" Tamaki cried on the way there. "You guys are the best!" They revealed themselves to Kanako and Toru. "So it was you!"  
"Yeah. We planned the whole. Bloody. Thing."  
"You're Jake English?"  
"The one and only."  
"Toru Suzushima. Thank you." They shook hands.

A month passed. The Labour Thanksgiving Day holiday passed. Meanwhile, at the host club, Dirk had tried to get the moves on Haruhi, and Tamaki was getting irritated about it. He wasn't the only one irritated about an issue. Eridan had no special connections to Honey sempi, but he considered Honey a friend. And this Reiko Kanazuki girl was getting on his nerves. She would not put a hand on Honey as far as Eridan was concerned. "Don't wworry. If she comes towwards you, givve me a shout. I'll be there." It was a fine day Eridan first spoke to Reiko. A fine day for a kidnapping.

==end of act 1 act 2


	3. Act 1 Act 3

==AK: begin act 1 act 3

Honey was skipping to class with Usa-chan in his arms when he noticed a sign that read "Bake Sale."

"Hmmm...I have to get to class...But this can't hurt!" He skipped in the direction of the signs, until he found a room. What he found in the room rooted him to the spot. He could have leaped into action, defended himself. He was an apocalyptic weapon, one capable of single-handedly destroying a population, say, of a country. But the "apocalyptic weapon" just stared. And what stared back was definitely NOT a bake sale.

"Honey-san...You've stolen my soul. Why not give me yours? An eye for an eye. It's only fair." Honey tried to run, but Reiko snapped her fingers and His feet were literally rooted to the spot. He reached for his phone.

adorableConfectionist[AC] began pestering caligulasAquarium[CA]

AC: ERI-CHAN!

AC: PLEASE HELP!

CA: I'm right here.

AC: SHE GOT ME, ERI-CHAN!

CA: wwait

CA: wwhat?

CA: mori has your find iphone feature i'll get him

AC: HEL

CA: hun

CA: hun

CA: are you there

CA: oh cod.

CA:OHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCKOHFUCK

AC: Why all the swearing?

CA: oh my cod

CA: Reiko

CA: LET MY TALK TO HUN RIGHT NOWW COD DAMMIT

AC: fraid not, eri-chan

CA: AND WWHAT ARE YOU USIN CHAN FOR WWE HAVVENT SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER

AC: He's a bit tied up for the moment

CA: WWHAT THE FUCK

adorableConfectionist [AC] Ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

Eridan looked up at his teacher. "Sir, May I leave the class? Its...a family emergency."

"Yes, of course."

CURRENTcaligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board OPERATION RESCUE HONEY SEMPI FROM THE EVVIL CLUTCHES OF THE BITCHY SELF PROCLAIMED "MASTER" OF AN ARTFORM THAT *ISNT EVEN REEL*

CURRENT neutralAttourney [CNA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.

CNA: Eri-sama?

CCA: yeah

CCA: wwhat

CNA: really?

CNA: "operation rescue honey from the evil clutches of the bitchy self proclaimed master of an artform that's not even real?"

CCA: yeah

CCA: wwhale a course it isnt reel.

CNA: yeah, no shit.

CNA: tell me something I don't know

CCA: He's being trapped by Reiko

CNA: like i said. TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T KNOW

CCA: he could have been kidnapped by his fangirls

CNA: point taken

CCA: Yeah.

CNA: this is really pointless, isnt it?

CURRENT neutralAttourney [CNA] banned himself from memo.

CURRENT irresistibleLadiesman [CIL] responded to memo

CIL: eri-kun

CIL: i was wondering why you were onto this case so...diligently

CCA: i guess i care about you guys

CCA: im not a cold heartless fuck

CIL: I know...and I didn't say you were

CCA: so theres your answwer

CIL: but...there must be some other reason

CCA: wwhy wwould there

CCA: if you think i LIKE her or anyfin then i dont

CCA: I personally think shes a BITCH

CCA: a bitch wwho likes magic

CCA: a all fins

CCA: an magic isnt reel

CIL: yep

CIL: you're into her, arent you?

CCA: THATS IT

CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] banned CURRENT irresistibleLadiesman [CIL] from memo

CURRENT stoicSwordsman [CSS] RIGHT NOW responded to memo

CSS: Eri-kun

CCA: finally, someone wwho cares

CSS: I have honey on my find iphone, and it seems like reiko has cut it short, but i might be able to get it

CSS: But it might be delayed.

CSS: get everyone inside the music room.

CURRENT stoicSwordsman [CSS] ceased responding to memo

CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] RIGHT NOW began responding to memo

CTA: 2o, one miight 2ay were liike pooh bear

CTA: were goiing on a

CTA: waiit for it

CTA: honey hunt

CCA: WWHAT THE FUCK SOL

CCA: THIS IS SEARIOUS

CCA: THIS IS NO JOKIN MATTER

CTA: yeah, tamakii wa2 riight. you are iinto the hot wiitch biitch, arent you

CCA: SHUT UP

CTA: a. 2top beeiing kk

CTA: and b. plea2e dont bee the de2prate hiip2ter fii2h

CTA: actually, bee the de2prate hiit2ter fii2h

CTA: that wa2 hiilariiou2

CCA: you can shut the fuck up noww im not listenin

CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] banned CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] from memo

FUTURE yandereNecromancer [FYN] responded to memo half an hour from now

FYN: Eri-chan

CCA: OH COD THIS IS YOUR ACTUAL CHUMHANDLE ISN'T IT?

FYN: There is no need to be upset

FYN: Because I wont steal honeys soul

FYN: I have a magic pen which, if written on an object the victim holds dear, will cause the victim to fall in love with the user

CCA: oh my cod

CCA: do you knoww wwhat i wwill do to you wwhen i find you

CCA: i wwill fuck up your magical ass

CCA: your fake magical ass, to be precise

CCA: and that's not innuendo

CCA: and do you knoww wwhat I wwill fuck it up wwith?

FYN: with science

CCA: correct

CCA: one shit fuck up for the young lady

FYN: Actually, i've been watching you, and I've been having an inherent

FYN: interest

FYN: and I would be interested in a relationship with you

FYN: just to see how it goes

CCA: oh my cod

CCA: i have the best fuckin idea

CCA: you knoww what?

CCA: i wwant a duel

CCA: black "magic" vs wwhite SCIENCE

CCA: i wwill wwin, a cource

CCA: all of your FRAUDULENT MAGICS cannot come close to posin any sort a threat to my mastery ovver the TRUEST SCIENCES

CCA: if you wwin

CCA: you get his lovve

CCA: and if i wwin

CCA: he goes free

CCA: do you accept

FYN: of course

FYN: meet me at the golf course.

CCA: alright

caligulasAquarium closed memo.

Eridan ran to the music room, and found all the members of the host club ready to fight. Sollux was floating and his eyes were flickering, Jake was loading bullets into his guns, and Dirk and Mori were sharpening their blades. "Alright. The golf course. Did you read the memo?" Several members nodded. "Alright. Then followw me." When they arrived, they found Reiko, with a black cape and hood over her Ouran dress. Honey sempi was hovering over her, his head hanging over her, and a glow that was dark red. "I would prefer it if you came alone."

"Alright. I got to do this alone. Go awway." He turned to the witch

"Shall we begin?"

"Yes, a cour-WWOAH!" She had lashed out with a tentacle of dark energy. He had dodged. He then responded with a bolt of lightning, but she had blocked. He then got his arm ready. His wand began to glow. He used the same spell he had used to kill Feferi and fired. She responded with a blast of her own. Eridan pressed forward. "Cod damn it..." He finally blew her back on a sand trap and evaded her bolts as he jumped up, and his wand morphed into a hammer...BAMN. He was blown back, onto the grass. "Wwhy dont you just die..." Suddenly, Reiko had a-what-Florutide octet? How did she have that? Anyway, a light flickered on above the florutide octet, like it always did when she rolled. Let's see how he would get his ass handed to him on a cursed magical platter...

Shadow Clone Technique. Oh god dammit. Eridan bobbed, weaved, blasted, shot, hacked at, hammered, needled, whipped, lanced, psiioniced, clawed, chainsawed, walloped, punched, clubbed, and stabbed each of the clones. "Alright, you've got more than I thought..." But he had one last card to play. But he needed more time. The clones were advancing. He was overtaken. Dammit...He summoned all the strength that he could, and then-BAM. A huge blast ripped through the golf course. Clones dissipated. Eridan stared at the real Reiko. "Your movve, I suppose? Or is that all you havve? Seems like your magic isn't all that cracked up to be. Noww, if you'll release him..." Instead, she whipped out Usa-chan and the pen, and she began putting the pen to the bunny. "REIKO! PUT THE BUNNY BACK IN THE BOX PUT IT IN THE BOX! PUTITINTHEBOXPUTITINTHEBOXPUTITINTHEBOXPUTITINTHEBOXPUTITINTHEBOXPUTITINTHEBOXPUTITINTHEBOXPUTITINTHEBOXPUTITINTHEBOXPUTITINTHEBOX!" He began to run, his wand giving short bursts of energy to make him faster. He whipped the bunny out of her hands, then pointed his wand at Honey, making him free of his bonds, and then took Reiko's head in his hands, and then kissed her. "CALLED IT!" Yelled Tamaki. "I'LL BE DAMNED! That's ¥200,000 right there!" The twins fished their wallets out and pulled out the money. Reiko stared at Eridan. "But why?"

"Howw else wwas I goin to get your attention, wwhen you wwere so focused on that swweet tooth?" She frowned. "You really are tsundere, aren't you?" He kissed her again, and grinned. "You. Me. Rooftop. You knoww the route."

That evening, Dirk was about to settle in his dorm to a night of Sailor Moon and shitty hot pockets, when his computer blinked open. He clicked in it and saw that Tamaki was pestering him.

"Let's see what he wants..."

irresistibleLadiesman [IL] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

IL: OK, I don't know what you are kidding me, here

TT: What the fuck?

IL: Haruhi

IL: Don't think that Daddy doesn't know when someone is putting the moves on his daughter

TT: Oh, THAT.

TT: Uh, It's very complicated.

TT: Talk to you late, bro.

TT: Bye.

irresistibleLadiesman [IL] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

Dirk settled back into his chair. If only Tamaki knew...

The next day, Eridan was on the rooftop. Where was Reiko? He was about to turn back when he felt a hand on his shoulder. "Hey. I'm here."

"Great. Uhhh, you knoww what spe-equation that turns us into a bird and let's us fly?"

"Yep."

"Race to the clock tower?"

"Sure. Give you a head start. Just to warn you-I always give Nekozawa a run for his money." Eridan chuckled as he turned into an angel-a freak of nature, all white, about 5 meters long, and about 2 feet wide, with a wingspan of about 2 meters in total, with sharp teeth attached to the head. Eridan flew up. Soon, Reiko was behind him, as a sort of a phoenix, flaming in the sky, with black flames, instead of red. He pushed forward. Reiko was far behind him. She was catching up. Soon, he saw Reiko waiting for him on the top of the Clocktower. "Wwait-I wwas shore..."

"Clone technique. I created another clone, and pushed ahead."

"Cool."

"So...That all you got?"

"Nope." Eridan held out his hand, and then...WHAP. Eridan was suddenly holding a platter of several types of sushi, Like Tekkamaki and Tamago. "Created by Science."

"Thanks!" Eridan felt...loved. Cared about somebody. "So...Is this a date?"

"I thought so."

"So...tell me...wwhy wwere you into Honey?"

"Can I really tell you?"

"Yeah. Shore."

"Nekozawa was into me. When I joined the black magic club, he got me to be second in command. We started to go out. But he was just so...difficult. I may be creepy-it's no lie all of us at the black magic club are-but I have my limits, and he has none! He never saw the light. He was just into curses and stuff...and eventually I was more like him, became more like him. But then this guy came along! He was warm, and kind, and friendly! But I was too dark and creepy to even approach him. When I tried to get Honey alone to ask him out, not only did he reject me, but Tamaki went to the extreme and banned me from requesting him. I tried everything, I even host hopped for a while to get his attention..."

"That sounds awwful."

"And to make matters worse, things have become more shaky between Nekozawa and I." She picked up a tobiko with her chopsticks, then popped it in her mouth.

"Thanks for sharin." Eridan heard the bell ring. "Wwhale, Thats the bell. I have to tell you-take care. I mean it. And good luck wwith that asshole." He sucked up the plate, and He and Reiko flew up. When they didn't see was a hooded man, with a cat sock puppet.

"I dont like this, Beelzenef. My lieutenant, betray me to that SQUINT? I think we should teach him a lesson, don't you? Yes, I agree." They flew off.

neutralAttourney [NA] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
NA: Alright, time to finally complain.  
TT: Whatever do you mean, Dearest?  
NA: I've already got the twins, Tamaki, and I think Kyoya going for me, and I dont need a 5th person.  
TT: Oh. Well, I guess it's time to fess up.  
NA: huh?  
TT: I only went for you to get the attention of one of the hosts.  
NA: Who?  
TT: ******.  
NA: ******? him of all people.  
TT: Yeah.  
NA: Fuck you.  
TT: Rude. Why did you do that?  
NA: If you really liked ****** all that much, why didnt you tell him already?  
NA: he's at least bi; he put those ******** moves on me, and this was BEFORE he knew I was a girl.  
NA: so don't just stand there, say something, Dirk-kun!  
NA: I'm sure he will love you back.  
neutralAttourney [NA] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

The next day, Eridan got pestered. He checked it.

yandereNecromancer [YN] began pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

CA: hey reiko wwhats up

YN: broom closet. Next to the second auditorium. Now.

yandereNecromancer [YN] ceased pestering caligulasAquarium [CA]

She wanted to have sloppy makeouts already? Something else was up. He ran to the place. There, he found not Reiko, but Nekozawa. "Oh, hey Nek, if somefin wwas up, then wwhy didn't you just pester me, it's a Saturday-" WHAM. Eridan was blown off his feet by an invisible force. He crashed into a locker. "I knoww wwhat this is. It's jealousy, Isn't it? Don't pretend. I'vve felt that sting before." Nekozawa leaned over him. "We settle this. Like men. You. Me. Golf course in a week. I will show you that magic is real. It is the last realization you will ever face." With that, Nekozawa turned on his heel, and walked off. "Don't you have your man whores to go to, FISHDICK?!" Eridan grumbled and walked off.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

TA: what'2 up?

CA: nek just beat my ass its reely clear that hes jealous

TA: wow, called iit. now, ii've got to go get my ¥20,000 from jake

CA: could you stop bettin on my relationships

CA: its kinda rude

TA: ok, ju2t jokiing

TA: and...what do you want to do?

CA: just bring the host club. let's beat his ass

TA: k

TA: oh, and eriidan? iit'2 hetaliia co2play day, and you're england.

CA: wwho are you?

TA: japan

CA: hope these bitches like Iggypan

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

Eridan ran to the music room. He got dressed in the England costume, and 2welked out, to greet his guests.

Meanwhile, Dirk, who was dressed as America, walked up to China/Haruhi. Renge looked up from her Doujinshi, mumbled "crackship" under her breath, and read on. Bu that was nothing compared to Tamaki/France's reaction. He just walked up to the Strider, and said "Listen, I-" He was cut off by Dirk kissing him. "Uhhhh..." Dirk expected to get some sort of reaction, and he got one...sort of. Tamaki keeled over, falling on the ground of the music room. The room exploded. "OH MY GOSH! YAOI! SWEET, GLORIOUS YAOI!" Renge looked dumbstruck.

irresistibleLadiesman [IL] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TT: Hello?

IL: oh

IL: my

IL: god

IL: Strider-kun, you just reduced me to some sort of COMMONER student

TT: Are you sitting in your room eating Hot Pockets and watching Cardcaptor Sakura?

IL: Uh

IL: yes...

TT: Wow. Me too.

TT: God I am so DESPERATE.

TT: I'm going to break my quirk now.

TT: pleasebebipleasebebipleasebebipleasebebipleasebebi

IL: uh, I am.

TT: YES!

TT: Uh, so.

TT: Do you mind if I ask you out?

IL: uh, yeah...

TT: So, wanna watch an anime at my dorm tomorrow?

IL: Sound great.

TT: See you then. By the way, did you hear about Nekozawa?

IL: No, what about him?

TT: When he heard about Eridan and Reiko, he flipped his SHIT.

IL: He challenged Eridan to a duel, didn't he?

TT: Yep. In a week. Same place as the Eridan v.s. Reiko duel.

IL: and he wants us to be there right?

TT: IDK. But I'm getting in the asskicking party anyways because if I don't, Eridan's shit will be wrecked.

IL: yeah. I do get the creeps about that guy.

TT: so, You'll be there?

IL: oh, yeah.

TT: bye.

irresistibleLadiesman [IL] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

"Score..." He reopened his web browser and started watching:

"I want to see you, but I can't... How sad, these feelings...

I can't say it, but I want to.

I just keep letting my chance slip by."

The next day, Eridan looked at his phone. He would need to prepare if he was to face this bastard in combat...Reiko had nearly handed his ass to him on a silver platter, and this guy was definitly going to, if Eridan didn't prepare

caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering yandereNecromancer [YN]

CA: so ivve got some bad newws

YN: oh

CA: so It appears that nek has found about wwhale

CA: us

YN: I think I can assume what happened next.

CA: yeah

YN: I can help you with that kind of stuff, though!

YN: do you want me to do some sparring with you?

CA: ok

CA: thanks I guess

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering yandereNecromancer [YN]

Eridan met Reiko on the golf course. They had been practicing for a while now, and this was supposed to be a spar. "Sup?" She ditched the uniform for a black leather jacket over a white Hot Topic Tee. She was dressed in Black denim. However, she looked like she had fewer bags under her eyes.

"Nofin mu-AAUGH!" Eridan was launched off his feet. He landed on his feet a second later. "I reely hate it wwhen you take me by surprise like that." He launched himself off the ground. Suddenly, cold air began to appear around his body. Water was beginning to condense around his scarf. "Wwhat the fuck..." Reiko shot what looked like a bolt of lightning. Suddenly, Eridan felt really cold now. Icicles were hardening around his body. In a flash, he broke out of his iceberg bond. They dueled for what seemed like hours. Eridan backed Reiko against a tree. She disappeared and reappeared behind Eridan, holding a knife to his throat. Green roots bolted his feet to the ground. Eridan knew what to do. Fly, fuckass, fly! Eridan Flew upwards in the form form an angel. Dark clouds began to form. Rain pelted the ground. Finally, Eridan bust into heaven. In the dark cloud, he felt the mist around him. He summoned all of his strength, and soon, static electricity began to form. Eridan pulsed with energy, charging the cloud. With the last of his strength, He turned back into human form, and attached the charge to his wand. He fell down to Earth. The trees came back into view. The golf course, the pits, Reiko, making a halfhearted attempt at a shield. Then, Eridan braced himself for the impact-

WHAM-BZZZZZPOP! Eridan watched the dust clear. The golf course was intact. Reiko was at the edge, Lying down. He walked over to her. She was alive. "Come on..." He got his wand, as electrical energy played on it. He held it over the witch and it danced on her skin...BZZZZZZZPOPBZZZZPOPOPOPZBZZZZZZZZ- She opened her eyes. "So...am I ready?" She looked at him. "Oh yeah. He's so boned." Eridan and Reiko laughed. "Hard to believve that just a feww days ago, wwe wwere at each other's throats."

"Yeah." She sat down. He sat down behind her. "Hey." She beamed at him. "Hey. Can I tell you somefin?"

"Yeah?"

"I sorta owwe you."

"For what?"

"For makin me feel...wwanted."

"What do you mean?"

"I wwas sorta unlucky in lovve until noww."

"Really? I always assumed you were popular-"

"No, not reely. Though I alwways had this crush on a girl." She looked at him. "Who?"

"Her name wwas Feferi Pexies. She wwas a-" Eridan paused for a second; it was hard to be open with your girlfriend yet keep from her that you were her god. "-Schoolmate a mine. Wwe wwere alwways friends but I guess I dropped the ball on that one. She started datin this other guy, and I guess when fins got super searious, I sorta flipped my shit, an-" He paused. "-somefin reely bad happened. Reely bad." Eridan was beginning to sniffle. "I don't wwanna talk about it right noww." He turned away from her. She hugged him. "Hey. It's OK." He looked at her. She lay down, her head on his lap. He began to sing, for some reason. An old Alternian song.

"Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart; Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.

Thou my best Thought, by day or by night, Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;

Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;

Thou my soul's Shelter, Thou my high Tower:

Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise, Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:

Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,

High queen of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

Empress of Heaven, my victory won,

May I reach Heaven's joys, O bright Heaven's Sun!

Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,

Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all." He looked down to see Reiko sleeping oh his lap. He took off his scarf, and put it around her neck.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering yandereNecromancer [YN]

YN: Eri-chan

CA: ok

CA: ivve been meanin to tell you this

CA: but i feel like i havve no choice

YN: oh, me too!

CA: oh thats ok you go first.

YN: I just want to thank you for just understanding me, and all my baggage.

YN: and I have something to confess, in case you don't come out of this alive.

CA: shoot

YN: Eridan, I love you

CA: wwhat

YN: yep

CA: wwhale wwhat a coincidence

CA: consider that requited

YN: : )

CA: glub

caligulasAquarium [CA] Ceased pestering yandereNecromancer [YN]

The golf course was cleared for the day. Kyoya had seen to that. The host club strolled down the green to find Nekozawa there. "Alright. Eridan, are you ready to fight?" Eridan pushed his way through the crowd. He raised his wand high up in the air, and storm clouds began to rumble. Lightning crackled in the sky. And then it all came down with Eridan's wand hand. A huge lightning bolt surged in Nekozawa's direction. He raised his arms, and some force blocked the lightning. Nekozawa then shifted the shield towards Eridan. The bolt blew back the wizard into a tree. Eridan then summoned some helpers: angels rained down from the sky. The Black magician defeated them with ease but Eridan expected that. He needed time to summon something up, something big. Sollux, of all people, stepped up. "Hey, Eriidan, ii2nt thii2 the guy who2e a22 need2 to be kiicked?"

==Host club: attempt highly dangerous 10x COMBO vs. 1 showdown. EXCEPT FOR HARUHI, BECAUSE THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT DADDY TAMAKI WILL ALLOW HER TO BE IN SUCH A SITUATION.

Looking back at it, Eridan felt mildly sorry for the guy. Sollux was raining down shuriken with psionic powers, Honey was leaping up and kicking Nekozawa in the face, Mori landing shots in every direction, and Dirk throwing Lil Cal at Nekozawa and then attacking from the other direction. When the Sorcerer tried to harm Eridan, Jake was there, firing at the magician to break his concentration. But he couldn't help but notice the smoke rising from the ground, smothering them all. Black smoke smothered the battle. "Sol-chan!"

"Honey-ii'm riight here-AAUGH!" an invisible force knocked Sollux to the ground. He tried to get up, but a sort of smoke-like chain tied him to the ground, even disabling his psionic powers. When the dust cleared, all of them but Eridan were down, restrained by the same smoke. Nekozawa stayed at the center, smirking. "Your move, Ampora." Eridan's eyes began to glow. He was flying; a ball of energy surrounded him. "OH *******SHELL******* NO."

==Eridan: go grimdark AND MAKE THIS MAGICAL SATANIST SONOFABITCH PAY

OH HELL NO. This guy is FUCKED.

Eridan's eyes turned blood red. Nekozawa charged toward him. Eridan screamed.

"LET THEM GO! LET THEM GO RIGHT NOW!"Eridan threw his arms up, and the area of soil that Nekozawa was standing on shot up. Nekozawa flew up in the air, and landed on the green. "What the-" But Eridan was onto him. Eridan released blow after blow, hit after hit, angel after angel. And Nekozawa took it all. He didn't even block. Nekozawa was laughing. "WWHATS SO FUNNY?! WWHATS SO FUNNY!?" Nekozawa said nothing, only kept smiling and laughing as Eridan pummeled him into the dirt. "SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!" Eridan stopped his attacks, and stood up, charging for a huge spell.

Sollux looked at the battle, and he opened his eyes wide. "Oh gog. He2 goiing to relea2e iit."

"Release what?"

"The va2t nyeh." He raised his voice "ERIIDAN! HEY, FII2HDIICK! DON'T DO THAT! DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE RELEASE THE VAST NYEH!" Nekozawa looked at Sollux. "He won't! Not after I play my final card." Nekozawa snapped his fingers, and somebody shoved a girl with dirty blonde hair towards him. He unsheathed a knife, and held it to her throat. "You kill me, you kill her, AMPORA!" the girl flicked her hair up, and the members of the host club were staring at the tearful face of Reiko Kanakuzi.

Sollux had no respect in the world for Nekozawa, but he had to admit: to take a vengeful, grimdark, could-blow-you-into-atoms Eridan and then put his captured girlfriend in front of him required a seriously huge dick. Nay, a SEAriously huge dick. Sollux would not do that with Feferi. Nor would any troll or kid. "Give up now?"

"No."

"I will kill her!" Eridan looked more pensive, more serene in his rage. His voice lost its creepy eeriness. "You wwouldn't. I looked into your vvery soul, and I saww an angry, self-loathing man-jealous of me, but not because of Reiko herself-that you wwere not right for her, and that I wwas. You saww the truth as I did. You nevver meant to havve the duel, but to be punished for all the harm that you caused her. And you're angry with me not out of jealousy, but out of rage for yourself that you would nevver be hers, and I'm reminder of that. And I understand. I understand that rage. I understand the rage of unrequitedness that comes with the knowledge that you wwill never be able to be a perfect match. And I'vve movved on."

"SHUT UP! I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL KILL HER AND I WILL NOT REGRET IT!"

"Evven if you do, you wwill. You lovve her more than anyfin in the wworld, don't you?" Eridan sank to the ground. His eyes turned to the same shade of violet. He raised his wand, and released all the chains of the Host club members. "But let's see if you havve that mettle. Provve me wwrong. Hurry up, I don't havve all day." At first, Nekozawa looked like he was going to kill her. He really did. Then he removed the knife from her throat, and sank to the ground, tears flowing from his eyes. Nekozawa didn't even care about the fact that his hood had fell off his head, revealing blond hair. "Chikusho!" Eridan looked at him. "I'm right, aren't I? Aren't I?"

"GODDAMIT!" Nekozawa let out a sob as he looked up at his erstwhile captive. "I'm sorry. So fucking..." But he was cut off when Reiko lended her hand to him. He took it from her, and she pulled him up. "Up on your feet..." She gave him a hug. "There, there, it's ok, it's ok..." The clouds evaporated into the sun as they all walked back to Ouran.

"It's hard, Nek. It's hard, bein a kid and growwin up. But I understand."

==end of act 1 act 3

==end of act 1

==ACT 1 EPILOGUE

The next day, Eridan and Sollux were moving Reiko's stuff into Eridan's dorm. "Aaaall right, there. That should be great!" Sollux lowered the suitcase down. "Well, we did it." Eridan saw that Reiko had lost her look of emo-sleeplessness. She jumped up in his arms. "Hey, ED, ii've gotta go. 2ee ya, k?"

"Yeah."

That night, Eridan woke up. He walked into the bathroom. In the bathroom window, he saw…himself. Literally. This is a dream, he thought. "I suppose you're wwonderin wwhat im doin here." This wasn't Eridan-this was a past version. This Eridan had the horns and grey skin and gills of a troll. He also wore the cape. Ahabs crosshairs, stained with the white glowing blood of the angels, was at his side. "Im here to givve you fair wwarnin."

"Wwhat of?"

"I suppose you think you're doin great, right? You havve your first matesprit, somefin I nevver achieved. Wwhale, what do you think youre goin to do wwhen i showw myself?" Eridan stared at his past self in horror. He had never thought of that. Eridan looked at His past self, closed his eyes, and sang:

I am a prince and I livved in a ship and I aim my wwand and I shoot from the hip

And I havve this gill i lovve her quite a bit

Hhe said 'grab your wwand let's havve some fun share wwith me your perigees'-" Past Eridan snapped back: "You havve responsibilities!"

"But I can run! I do not wwish the death of any livving thing I might havve been a killer but right noww I am king! I'vve put an end to slaughter but still i'm vverry keen on staking claim to land and sea and all the hearts betwween..."

"I played a game wwith elevven fools wwho told me not to break the rules,

but wwhen havve angels evver helped me yet? And magic isn't real and anywway-"

"It doesn't matter!"

"Cause no matter wwhat I conjure it wwill not help you deflect

the angry death of evvery hopeful thought

that you might be a lovver or a fighter that you're not,"

"In someones spider wweb or net i could be caught

but i'm too bitter-"

"better off alone!"

"Guess I forgot…" Eridan looked up at his predecessor.

"So wwhat do you wwant me to say sorry

should i apologize wwhen you abhor me?

I'm sick of being wrong or being lonely

and hatched into an ugly story..."

"I am a prince and i had a pair of princesses in twwo sharp squares

but then i guess i bored them both to death,"

"But I don't think my calling is to break apart and fall to pieces,

better yet invvent a brand neww method of ascension!"

"I'm impressed you'vve managed to survvivve

but rest assured you'd all be better off dead than alivve,

cause wwhen she get a-hold of me you'll all be batter fried

And after that, how wwill go just get on wwith the tide?"

"But here i am respectfully and royally destroying

any chance of getting back on my bad gills,"

"And i don't wwant to be hurtful but if lovve the neww conquest

wwell then heart-breaking's the neww breathin, don't you think i wwill-!"

"I used to wwish the death of evvery livving caste!"

"You might be my future but I'll alwways be you're past! Go put awway your laughter! Pack up your hopes and dreams!"

"I'm sick of black back-handing and red pandering it seems…"

"Oh cod, you're so pathetic, you'll just be overlooked-"

"I'm past the point of fishing to get back upon his hook! I'vve made a manifesto-"

You'vve been bested by a crook!"

"But nevver more, i'm planning on rebuldin wwhat he took…" Past Eridan stared at his successor in disgust.

"So wwhat do you wwant me to say-sorry?

Should i apologize wwhen she ignores me?

I didn't ask to be right or to be lonely

or to be hatched into an ugly story

to be hatched into an ugly story…" The troll turned his back on Eridan. He headed into a closet that Eridan assumed was some irish elevator. Eridan walked though the door after his doppelgänger, and He was in a tunnel, and there was a light at the end…

He was standing in a river. It was a winding brook. The cold Alternian night enveloped him. He started to walk down, clutching his wand. He saw a small fish flying through the air. It was white, like a lusus. "The first fin I krilled. Oh my cod…i did it to feed fef's lusus. I didn't mean too." He walked down, seeing several lusii. A whale, a bull, a shark. "It wwas either your or evvery troll in existance. Wwhat wwas I supposed to do?" He kept on walking, until he saw a gate of Skaia. "Lookie there. My life change wwith that. I owwe you evveryfin. You also owwe me evveryfin. You gavve me evvyfin…including my shame. Fuck you." He walked through the gate. The stream change from purple to white. The orange cliffs were replaced with white spires. Now eridan knew where he was. The land of Wrath and Angels. An angel approached him, one of it's wings torn off. There were burn marks around it. "That's a really powwerful blast…only Ahab's crossharis could have done-oh no. I krilled you, didnt I?" An entire race of angels, each one imparting guilt on Eridan. The scenery then changed, the LOWAA changeling into the meteor. Eridan knew the worst was upon him. "HEY! FII2DIICK" Sollux-but it looked like he had half opaqueness. "Eridan." Kanaya, a hole through her stomach. "-ERIDAN!" The worst was on him. He turned to her. A single Purple tear ran down his cheek. "F-Fef-I didnt mean to."

"I thought you loved me…"

"You never lovved me back." He walked onto the transportaliser, when the scenery changed. He was in a room where there were two cruxeters next to each other… One had a kernelsprite floating above it. Eridan guessed it was all the lusii. But what was the other one doing here? The angels flew there, so that question was answered. But then Sollux stepped into the Cruxeter, then Kanaya thew in her chainsaw, than Feferi stepped in. "Wwhat?"In the first Cruxerter, an monstrosity came out. A mass shitmess of lusii popped out. Eridan ran, away but he looked behind his shoulder and saw Feferi, with a chainsaw held high above her head. He heard his doppelgänger past self speak behind him. "The game is afoot, Ampora!

If Reiko kneww about me, and them, then he dies!"

"Wwho is 'he'?" Eridan's question was about to be answered. A human Cronus Ampora was floating above Eridan, in a comatose state. "D-dad? Wvhats goin on?"

"I-im so sorry Cro." In the dream, Eridan's body was sawed in half "DAD!" Eridan's consciousness was implanted onto Cronus, and now Eridan was floating. Accually-not anymore. In the real world, Eridan fell out of his bed. In the dream, Cronus fell onto the ground. "Gogdammit." Cronus walked out into the blackness, followed by a murderous lusus and troll.

==Future Eridan: wake up

The nightmare was still in his head. Eridan was woken up by Reiko. "Hey, Eridan! Look!" Eridan got out of bed. "Snoww…givve me 30 minutes." With his snow stuff on, He walked out to rejoin his friends.


	4. Pre-Intermission Intermission

So I decided to put a little treat for you before the Christmas special intermission. Enjoy!

Note: the characters sing for their day only, a la Days of 12th Pedigree.

* * *

Eridan:

On the First day of Christmas a true guest gavve to me-

A wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Twins:

On the second day of Christmas a true guest gave to me-

2 naughty twins

And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Renge:

On the third day of Christmas a true host gave to me-

3 Doujins

2 naughty twins

And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Sollux:

On the fourth day of Chrii2tma2, a true gue2t gave to me-

4 bada22 code2

3 Doujins

2 naughty twins

And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Honey:

On the fifth day of Christmas a true guest gave to me-

5 CHOCOLATE CAKES!

4 bada22 code2

3 Doujins

2 naughty twins

And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Haruhi:

On the sixth day of Christmas a true guest gave to me-

6 broken vases

5 CHOCOLATE CAKES!

4 bada22 code2

3 Doujins

2 naughty twins

And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Kyoya:

On the seventh day of Christmas a true guest gave to me-

7 business memos

6 broken vases

5 CHOCOLATE CAKES!

4 bada22 code2

3 Doujins

2 naughty twins

And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Tamaki:

On the eighth day of Christmas a true guest gave to me-

8 Lovely Ladies~

7 business memos

6 broken vases

5 CHOCOLATE CAKES!

4 bada22 code2

3 Doujins

2 naughty twins

And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Mori:

On the ninth day of Christmas a true guest gave to me-

9 Stoic glances

8 Lovely Ladies~

7 business memos

6 broken vases

5 CHOCOLATE CAKES!

4 bada22 code2

3 Doujins

2 naughty twins

And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Dirk:

On the tenth day of Christmas a true guest gave to me-

10 Katanas swinging

9 Stoic glances

8 Lovely Ladies~

7 business memos

6 broken vases

5 CHOCOLATE CAKES!

4 bada22 code2

3 Doujins

2 naughty twins

And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Jake:

On the eleventh day of Christmas a true guest gave to me-

11 bold adventures

10 Katanas swinging

9 Stoic glances

8 Lovely Ladies~

7 business memos

6 broken vases

5 CHOCOLATE CAKES!

4 bada22 code2

3 Doujins

2 naughty twins

And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree.

Eridan: Hey, wwait a minitue, wwe dont have a 12th person…

Jake: Yeah, this does put us in a jam…door slams openOh, top of the season, Karkat old chum.

Sollux: Hey, kk, what are you doiing here-

Karkat: I'M JUST HERE TO JUST PUT A LOT OF SENSE IN YOU AND YOUR GUESTS THAT THIS IS SOME PERVERTED SHIT GOING ON IN THIS 'HOST CLUB'. YOU PEOPLE ARE JUST A BUNCH OF MATESPRITS FOR HIRE, AND I...

Haruhi: Listen, we're doing the 12 days of Christmas, so if you could just leave?

Kyoya: he could be out 12th person…

Dirk:…yeah

Karkat: WAIT…YOU NEED A 12TH PERSON FOR YOUR STUPID HUMAN CHANT? FINE….

Karkat: ON THE 12TH DAY OF 12 PEDEGREE (Holy shit kar, shut up!) MY MATESPRIT (oh fuck, now everybody know2!) GAVE TO ME-

***12 NOOKTEASING QUADRANTBREAKING ASSHOLEIC GODDEFYING BUTTPAILING BUCKETMAGNET **DOUCHEBAGS*****

Jake: ...11 bold adventures

Dirk: 10 Katanas swinging

Mori: 9 Stoic glances

Tamaki: 8 Lovely Ladies~

Kyoya: 7 business memos

Haruhi: 6 broken vases

Honey: 5 CHOCOLATE CAKES!

Sollux: 4 bada22 code2

Renge: 3 Doujins

Twins: 2 naughty twins

Everyone except for Karkat: And a wwand to light up the wwhole tree!

Karkat: I WILL RIP EVERY SINGLE LYMPH NODE OUT OF EVERY ONE OF YOU TURDS, DO YOU HEAR ME?


	5. Intermission

==AK: begin intermission

irresistibleLadiesman [IL] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT]  
IL: that was interesting  
TT: I know. I never saw that part of Eridan until now.  
IL: "Until now?"  
TT: oh  
TT: Yeah. Him and I were friends. Childhood friends.  
IL: Oh, OK. I was just wondering. Because when Kyoya was reviewing your files, he found none.  
TT: Wait.  
TT: What?  
TT: Hang on I need to pester someone  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering irresistibleLadiesman [IL]

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]  
TA: 2up diirk  
TA: what2 happeniing  
TT: So, it seems as if Kyoya has reviewed out files, and he has found nothing.  
TT: I believe they suspect something  
TA: 2houldent bee a problem  
TA: ju2t 2ay iit wa2 a bug  
TT: Aright.  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

Sollux sat back into his chair. The duel had drained him, and he needed some sleep…  
He was flying over the Alternian landscape, towards a hive he knew well. He was a troll again, and he sped to Aradia's hive. He felt the taste of mind honey on his lips. When he arrived at the hive, a human popped out. Renge. "What the fuck…" He felt…uncontrolled. She noted what he was. "Sollux, what happened to you?" He couldn't control the surging instability, and his eyes let loose with an optic blast…  
"AAAHHHHHHH…" He sat foreword in his bed. "Jegu2 fuck…" He looked at Renge, sleeping peacefully on the other side of his bed. "Gogdamiit…" He lifted the covers, and fell back asleep, putting an arm around her prone body. The hours passed, before Sollux was shaken awoke by Renge. "Sol-chan, look outside!" Sollux got up, and walked to the window. Outside, he saw that a fresh pile of snow had fell on Ouran. He could see Honey making snow angels, Mori making a snowman, and Tamaki, Eridan and the twins engaging in a snowball fight. "Come on, let's get out snow stuff on. Schools out, it's the first day of break." Sollux sped out of his room with his Clothes before Renge even got her undershirt on.  
She found him behind a pillar, levitating about 15 snowballs. He put a hand to his mouth, and pointed towards the snowball fight. He put his first two fingers of either hand on either side of his head, and the snowballs all hit their target. Eridan and Tamaki were sprawling on the snow. "Son a wwhore." Sollux and Renge leaped into the fray. After the fight, they walked into the common room. Kyoya motioned to the Keurig Coffee machine. "Peruvian blend. First beans of the season, infused with chocolate." All the host club members looked at each other, the thought of coffee unappealing. "Or there's TCHO Hot Chocolate, imported from San Francisco, supplemented with a topping of Swiss whipped Cream."

The Coffee remained unconsumed.

Tamaki looked up at everybody. "So, what's everyone doing at Christmas?" Everybody was going home for the Holidays. "And you four?"  
"Uh, We are probably goiing to NYC…for the holiiday2, iit'2 not goiing two bee anything much…"  
"Cool. Hey, Jake, could we get a status report on the whole Toru-Kanako relation?"  
"Oh, yeah. Kanako let slip that they were going to the Cout d'Azure, so I suppose all is hunky-dory."

After they had gone back to milling about, Renge approach Sollux. "Hey, Sollux, would it be too much trouble if you came to Paris for a few days, just so you and my parents could get to know each other?"

"Uh, yeah, of cour2e, no prob."

"Cool, I'm leaving tomorrow, so pack your bags!" As she bounded away, Sollux looked dumbstruck. "The thiing2 ii do for love…"

Haruhi looked up at the ceiling of the music room. "Senpai...did you cover the ENTIRE ceiling of the room in mistletoe?"

"But of course!"

_Fuck these rich people._

The next day, the snowplows at Ouran business airport were getting the work done, so the private planes of the rich and famous could take off. Eridan, Dirk, and Jake were catching a commercial fight to New York. Sollux walked on the private plane, showing his Passport that allowed him entry to France. The flight attendant welcomed him. "Bienvenue, Madame Houshakuji. And Monsieur Captor, as well. We've ben expecting you. The plane will take off in 15 minutes. We will refuel in Dubai before proceeding to Charles de Gaulle. In the meantime, please sit." Sollux sat next to Renge. "Even your aiirplane fuel ii2 hiigh qualiity?" Renge playfully pushed him in the opposite direction. "Hang on, someone'2 pe2teriing me…Tamakii?" Renge looked at his phone. "Well, he's just going to have to wait. Look, we're moving."

When they were at 10,000 feet, the captain turned the seatbelt sign off, and Sollux and Renge got off the seats and got on the couch. Sollux turned on his phone.  
twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering irresistibleLadiesman [IL]  
TA: 2up tamakii  
IL: Sol-kun  
IL: I need you to give someone a message in Paris.  
TA: yeah 2ure  
IL: Her name is Anna Sophie de Grantiane  
TA: k  
IL: thank you  
IL: thank you very much  
TA: what 2hould ii tell her?  
IL: tell her that her son says hello, and that he loves her very much.  
irresistibleLadiesman [IL] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]  
Sollux looked out of his phone. "Oh hell no." Everything clicked for him in that second. "Oh hell no." His phone interrupted him. It read _cuttlefishCuller is pestering you!_

_Feferii. Gogdamniit!_ He got up, and went inside the restroom.

cuttlefishCuller [CC] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]  
TA: 2up feferii  
CC: )(I Sollux!  
TA: how2 iit goiing  
CC: pr-Etty s)(-Ell!  
TA: great me too  
CC: )(-Ey  
CC: Sollux  
TA: yeah  
CC: I just cant tak-E it anemonemore  
CC: I don't want to be in a long-term relationship anymore  
CC: and you're in the host club, and its just…we'll just drift apart!  
CC: I'm so sorry  
CC: oh cod this is humiliating  
CC: im crying  
TA: hey  
TA: hey there  
TA: iit'2 ok  
TA: can we 2till be friiend2  
TA: wiith no hard feelings  
CC: t)(ank you, Sollux.  
TA: iit'2 ok  
cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]  
Sollux sat back. He felt terrible. But this was he best he could do. It was either this or her finding out about him and Renge, and this probably was the best Course of action.  
He got out of the bathroom, and Renge looked at him. "Hey, you want anything? The mini-bar's got water, Coke, Ramune…"  
"Uh, thank2…" She pulled out two bottles of Ramune, and then pulled out her ipad. "Wanna watch some Hetalia?"  
"No prob wiith that…" They were asleep on the couch by Dubai.

The sun was rising as the plane touched down at Charles de Gaulle. Sollux woke up to see a helicopter outside the plane. "Hey, Renge, wake up." Renge got up. "Oh, yeah, that…our apartment has a helipad, we'll go straight there…the bags will be delivered their an hour after us. Come on, let's go." They were over the skyline of Paris by seven. "Bienvenue au Paris, Sol-chan. The most romantic city in the world."  
"Well that'2 apt."  
"Look, there's our apartment." It was a penthouse suite with views of the Champs-Elise and the Eiffel tower. On the apartment, a man and a woman were standing, the man Japanese, the woman French. "Welcome! Yokoso! Bienveine! I am your host, Reynard Houshakuji, and this is my wife. Renge has told us much about you in her letters, Sollux." He then turned to his daughter. "Renge! How are you? How is school? How are the hosts?"  
"Well, father, you're looking at one of them." Reynard looked at Sollux. "Well, that's no surprise. But please, come in, you must be hungry."  
"By the way, where is Jacques?"  
"Aaahh, Harvard lets them out later. He'll be here in 2 days, tops."  
As he walked them in, Sollux asked a question. "II don't mean two pry, but what do you do, 2ir?  
"As a first note, Sollux, please drop the honorifics. Friends of Renge are friends of mine. As for your question, I import Japanese goods to European buyers. Now, make no mistake, not just antiques-cars, soda, culture-did you know that ours was the first publishing company to publish manga in French and German?"  
"No, not at all. How iintere2tiing. And that'2 how you enrolled Renge iinto Ouran?"  
"Precisely! Otoori pharmaceuticals wished to find European markets. Turns out they are part of Ouran leadership. I showed a picture of his youngest son to Renge and the rest is history!"  
"Waiit, 2o…2he wanted to go to Ouran becau2e of hiim?" He looked at Renge, and she looked down at the ground. "S-Sorry."  
"Hey, 2'okay. A2 long a2 iim an iimprovement…" All three of them laughed. "Oh, yes, I almost forgot. This is your room. Would you like to go to breakfast, or would you like to just stay here?"  
"No, II thiink ii'll wa2h up…" Sollux walked into his room and closed the door behind him. He got showered, and then put on a robe. He opened the door to find his bags outside. "At lea2t ii've got that…" Sollux threw on some black jeans, his Gemini t-shirt, and his two black-and-white shoes.  
caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering twinArmageddons[TA]  
TA: hey  
TA: how wa2 your fliight  
CA: ok  
CA: fef picked us up  
CA: she looks pretty emo  
CA: wwhat happened  
TA: 2he broke up wiith me  
CA: oh  
CA: she did  
CA: ok  
CA: good to know  
TA: II gue22 2he ha2 a hard tiime tran2iitioniing  
TA: giive her tiime  
CA: alright  
CA: howw about you  
TA: 2o ii have come upon a piiece of news  
TA: Renge has been  
TA: let'2 call it "cru2h hoppiing"  
CA: wwhatevver do you mean  
TA: well, it 2eem2 2he had a thiing for Kyoya  
TA: and then Haruhii  
CA: or the other wway round  
CA: except for the fact that har is a gill  
TA: exactly  
TA: and ii haven't figured out why she moved on from Kyoya  
TA: that'2 all  
TA: I hate you, ED  
CA: I hate you to, sol…  
caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering twinArmageddons[TA]  
Sollux got out of the bedroom. Oh, yeah, before he forgot, Tamaki's message…  
He got to the family just finishing breakfast. "There you are."  
"Yep, here ii am…do you know anyone named Anna Sophie de Grantiiane iin Parii2? Becau2e one of my fellow hosts asked me…" Renge had a sudden interest in the table. The parents looked at each other. "You don't have to act pretentiion2, ii've figured that Tamakii ii2'nt the legiitiimate child of hii2 dad." Reynard looked at Sollux. "We'll take you to her, but you should get filled in on what the story is. When Tamaki's dad was living in Paris, he met a rich French lady, a descendant of French monarchy. Her father was an executive of a Munitions Corporation based in Berlin. They fell in love, and she had Tamaki a year and a half later. Therein lies the rub. You see, when Tamaki was born, Mr. Suoh's mother engaged him to another lady, and when she found about the affair and the child, she was furious. She immediately took him to the second home in Tokyo, raising him with governesses, until he was old enough to go to Ouran. When he finally got there, another young student, Kyoya Otoori, told him the truth. He's been trying to meet his mother with mixed success. They've only met in the flesh about five times, and he had to sneak out of his caretakers grasp. They've been writing to each other ever since." Sollux couldn't believe it. He was numb as he walked into the car that would take him to her apartment. When he knocked on the door, he was met with a Frenchwoman, in her late 50s, early sixties, but still strikingly beautiful.  
"Hello. Who might you be? Please, come in…"  
"Anna 2ophiie de Grantiiane?"  
"Yes, it's me. Please, come in."  
He sat on her couch. "Please, make yourself at home." Sollux got up. "Madame, my name ii2 2ollux Captor. II'm a friiend of your 2on at Ouran." She chuckled. "That boy? All of my smarts, and all of his father's looks and charm. Tell me, how is René?"  
"René?"  
"Yes, that's his real name. His grandmother always called him Tamaki to spite me."  
"Well, he just told me to tell you tell her that he says hello, Merry Christmas, and that he loves you very much."  
"Well, you tell him the same, oui?"  
"Ye2, of cour2e." Sollux looked out at her. "Oh, ii have 2omethiing el2e." he pulled a picture out. It was of Tamaki and the rest of the host club. "2o…that2 hiim, Kyoya, Hiikaru, Kaoru, Morii, Honey, Haruhii, Eriidan, Jake, and Diirk. And we're the ho2t club."  
"Thank you so much."  
"Joyeux Noel, Madame. IIf you need me, ii'm 2tayiing with the Houshakujii2."  
"Of course. Give Renge my regards." Sollux walked out of the apartment. He found Renge waiting for him outside. "How was she?"  
"2he wa2 ok."  
"Ahhh. Hey, you wanna get a tour from a local?"  
"II thought all of the2e tour guiide2 were local."  
"Actually, most of them are college students from other places in France."  
"Al2o, you run the rii2k of them not beeiing a2 attractiive a2 you, Mii22 Houshakujii."  
"And they run the risks of not having as hot tour groups as you, Mr. Captor. C'mon, let's go to the Eiffel tower, their éclairs are about as good as the view." Sollux sped out to the Eiffel Tower.

The next few days were a whirlwind of sightseeing with Renge. He had just left the Louvre and heading home, when Karkat pestered him.  
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]  
CG: HEY FUCKASS.  
CG: THAT'S RIGHT, YOU GLOBESHIITER.  
TA: what ii2 your problem, kk?  
CG: IT'S ARADIA.  
CG: SHE'S IN A COMA AT MOUNT SINAI.  
TA: WHAT?  
TA: WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?  
TA: KK  
CG: I'M NOT FUCKING WITH YOU.  
TA: ii'll bee riight there  
CG: IF YOU HAVENT NOTICED, YOU'RE IN PARIS.  
TA: lucky for me, ii happen to be rich  
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
Sollux looked up at Renge. He held her hand. "Renge, one of my be2t friiend2 ii2 in a coma. II have two go two New York. I'll pack up my 2tuff. Ii'll 2ay more later." She nodded grimly as the Paris nightlife passed by. They arrived at the house, and passed Mr. Houshakuji. "Thank you for all your ho2piitaliity. Ii have two leave now. I wiill come back soon. Thank you." He went into his bedroom, and started packing, when Renge appeared into the doorway. "Sol-chan? You were going to talk more later…"  
"Alriight…lii2ten…ii need you to lii2ten to me, and beliieve every word Ii 2ay, beecau2e iit2 goiing two bee a hard piill two 2wallow. Ii lii2tened when you were talkiing about UDM and Haruhii. Ii'm goiing two bee open wiith you. OK?"  
"I'm listeniing." And he told her everything: Alternia, sgrub, Lord English, his backstory with Eridan, and the three harrowing years in the Indisphere.  
Renge still looked at him as if he was on a bad trip. He noticed her disbelief, and took out a small pen-shaped object, with a gold shaped light on it. "Thii2 ii2 a fal2h diive. Iit contaiin2 the memoriie2 of the game and before." He then proceeded to take it out, and how the light in front of her face. "Ju2t look iintwo the liight…" He flashed the light in her face, and she recived seven sweeps of the most intresting lives in the world. She stared ahead for a full minitue, processing the new information. When she was finished, Sollux opened his mouth again. "That2 the truth. The whole truth. And-iim 2orry." A chauffeur stuck his head in the doorway. "Monsieur Captor? Your plane is ready. I see you're packed; as soon as your ready, we will go." Sollux looked at Renge, and kissed her. "Ii'll be back." He got up and went to the doorway. "2ee you at 2chool." She followed him, out the door, to the foyer, out the main door. His car was parked outside. He looked at Renge. "Her."  
"What do you mean, Sollux?"  
"You remiind me of her." He looked as if it was to be the last time. The car drove off, leaving Renge alone in the Paris snow. Someone beckoned her inside. "Merci."

Sollux wished the car drove faster. He tapped his finger on his knee.

twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
TA: kk  
TA: how ii2 2he  
CG: STABLE FOR NOW, I HOPE THE SBURB SHIT DIDN'T GET TO HER.  
TA: gog  
TA: thii2 i2 my fault  
TA: ii 2hould have gone two New York  
CG: WAIT.  
CG: DIDN'T YOU HAVE THE VISION TWOFOLD?  
TA: ii diidn't 2ee anythiing. Ii had no way of knowiing.  
TA: iit2 liike the vii2ion twofold "choo2e2" two 2ee thiing2  
TA: ii ju2t don't know  
TA: and iit'2 gettiing more cryptic  
CG: WELL, I'M SORRY.  
CG: THE DOCTOR SAYS IF IT'S A MIRACLE IF SHE WAKES UP BY CHRISTMAS.  
CG: SO SHE WONT BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS  
TA: ii'm at the aiirport, bee there in 2iix hour2  
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]  
Sollux climbed up the tarmac, flashed his passport, and walked on the plane. The plane took off into the snowfall.

Renge heard the car drive off, carrying Sollux. She saw something in the snow. A small square present, revealed by the departure of the Car. It must have been under the car. "What the-?" She bent down, picking up the present. It was adorned with bees, with a red and blue background. _Sollux_.Renge set the present down by the tree. She walked up the stairs, and then sat down at her desk. taking out her Vocaloid karaoke, she selected a song. Hatsune Miku began singing her melody, as the lyrics began to blast on the page. She began to sing:"Melting, our time of parting has arrived.  
So will we meet again or will we truly say goodbye?  
Though I am melting, I know I can't stay with you.  
So I'll keep praying you'll never forget me.  
Then maybe someday you'll return to say 'I love you.'"

Six hours later, the plane landed in Giuliani Business Airport in New York. Sollux hopped into the limo. "Mount 2iinaii. NOW." The driver sped towards Manhattan. Sollux charged into the hospital, checked in, and saw Aradia in her human form, a dark-haired, long-haired girl. Her hospital gown was covered with a blanket, IV tubes and monitors were attached to her wrist and a breathing mask was over her mouth. Already standing around her were his old comrades: John, Jade, Dave, Rose, Roxy, Dirk, Jane, Jake, Karkat, Tavros, Nepeta, Kanaya, Terezi, Vriska, Gamzee, Eridan, and Feferi. "Where'2 EQ?"  
"( Checking with the doctors. He's b33n in a hissy fit all day; no matter mow much I try to calm him down! Oh my gosh, Aradia…"  
"How diid thii2 happen?"  
"W3 DON'T KNOW! SH3 W4S 4LONE! 4NYW4Y, SOM3BODY FOUND H3R 4ND H3R L1ST OF CONTACT 1NFO, 4ND W3 C4M3 STR41GHT H3R3!"  
"Thii2 ii2 my fault. Ii 2hould have been there."  
"HeY bRo, No MoThErFuCkInG nEeD tO bE aLl Up AnD sElF-lOaThIn." This was too much for Sollux to bear. He stormed out of the room. Feferi followed him. "Sollux!" He thundered on. "Sollux!" He strode into a visitors lounge, and rested on a couch. Feferi sat down next to him. He looked at her, and his face was strewn with tears. "ii-couldn't 2ave her, FF. Nothiing change2. Ii couldent save her liike ii couldn't 2ave you."  
"Sollux, pl—Eas—E-"  
"II don't de2erve anyone! And iif you do liike me, you've got 2ome 2orta death wii2h!"  
"Sollux! S)(ut t)(e GLUB up!" It worked; Sollux promptly shut up. "Visiting )(ours are almost over, say goodbye to Aradia." Sollux walked up to Aradia's room, opened the door, where he saw Equius giving a kiss to Aradia. He looked up at Sollux, nodded, and left the room. Sollux walked in the room, and walked up to Aradia's bed. He sat down. "AA. Ii'm 2orry, ii really am. Ju2t-iif you are a corp2e-iim glad I knew you." He smiled as she lay there. He approached her, and kissed her on the lips. Aradia did something that Sollux never expected. She opened her eyes. "S0llux?"  
"AA? Waiit there. Ju2t how, how?" He ran outside, tears of joy burst out of his eyes. "EQ! EQ!" Equius turned around. "D-Captor?"  
"2he'2 aliive! 2he ii2!"  
"D-Really? I demand to l00k." Equius went to the room, followed by Sollux. "D-Aradia!"  
"Equius!" Sollux looked at the two embrace. "Hey, AA, vi2iitiing hour2 are over, but we'll check you out by Chrii2tma2 eve, II guarantee iit." Sollux and Equius walked out. Sollux needed to go to a bar. He crossed the street, into a bar. The scene was a sports bar. People were sitting around. As Sollux walked in, the bartender looked at him. "Sorry, bub. I can't sell a drink to a minor." Sollux looked at him. "My chiildhood friiend 2napped out of a coma." Some people clapped and cheered; as the bartender snapped open a Faygo. "Take one on the house. It's the least I could do. People come here all the time because of Mount Sinai." Sollux took a swig of the drink, before his phone buzzed.  
irresistibleLadiesman [IL] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]  
IL: sol-kun  
TA: ii gave her the me22age  
TA: and ii have two 2ay  
TA: wow  
IL: sorry I didn't tell you the truth soon enough.  
IL: how is Renge?  
TA: 2he'2 ok. Ii had to leave Parii2 early.  
IL: ah, Ces't la vie. Why?  
TA: one of my be2t friiend2 from NYC wa2 iin a coma  
IL: really?  
IL: is she well, awake?  
TA: oh yeah. There's actually a story behind it.  
IL: really?  
TA: yeah. 2he woke up when ii wa2 about to go. 2he woke up when ii ki22ed her.  
At this, Sollux regretted pressing the enter button on his phone.  
IL: OH MY GOSH  
IL: THIS COULD BE BIG  
IL: I WILL MAKE THIS PUBLIC  
IL: I can see it now: love prevailing over adversity!  
TA: iim 2orry, but ii have a per2onal liife two  
IL: hey, I do pinups where I'm wearing nothing but a speedo.  
IL: SORRY, I'VE GOT TO TELL RENGE  
TA: NO  
TA: FUCKA22  
irresistibleLadiesman [IL] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]  
Gogdammiit tamakii. Iim goiing two kill you. Sollux walked to the shared three floors that his friends had. He went to the floor where his room in New York was and sat down in his bed. His erstwhile roommate, karkat, walked through the door.  
"HEY FUCKASS."  
"Hey. kk."  
"WHAT IS IT?"  
"You've been a real diick around me. Iif we're goiing two keep thii2 moiiraiiliigence going, you're goiing two tell me what ii'2 goiing on. Feeling2 jam. Now." Karkat looked at his moirail.  
"YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW, ASSHAT?"  
"Yeah."  
"OK. SO, TEREZI DUMPED ME. AFTER YOU LEFT. FOR SOME GUY IN BROOKLYN. AND I FEEL LIKE EVERYONE IS FUCKING LEAVING ME BEHIND, AND I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE YOU TO." So that's what's happening, Sollux thought.  
"Hey. iit2 ok. iit'2 ju2t growiing pains, that2 all. But ii'm 2tiill you're my moiiraiil, fucka22. Whenether you liike iit or not." The sun was high, but Sollux was so tired. He slept, and he stayed asleep, until the next day. The day was December 23. He was home for Christmas, and didn't need to come back to Ouran until the 29th. When he got up, it was the 24th. He missed the whole day, but between Paris and New York, and Renge and Aradia, he needed sleep. Anyway, he woke up. He sat up in his bedroom that overlooked central park. He saw a girl walking into the park. Aradia. He changed into street clothes, and found her sitting on a bench in the park. "Hey. AA."  
"0h. Hey S0llux."  
"diid you liike iit?"  
"What?"  
"Sburb."  
"I didn't, but that isn't imp0rtant. Y0u aren't supp0sed t0 enj0y the game. Leave everything y0u knew and learned? But this was a g00d alternative." Sollux smiled. "Hey, aa?  
"Yeah?"  
"ii've found someone-"  
"I d0nt mind."  
"What?" Sollux was hearbroken. She smiled. "S0llux, the wh0le p0int 0f the game was t0 m0ve 0n. If we d0nt m0ve 0n, the wh0le p0int was defeated." Sollux smiled. A tear ran down his cheek. "Plea2e don't driift apart, AA. Any of you."  
"We w0nt. I pr0mise." He kissed her on her forehead. "S0, are y0u c0ming?"  
"Where?"  
"T0 the Deli. We need t0 get everything ready f0r Christmas dinner."

20 hours later, Sollux woke up. The clock read 8:30. Sollux got up. Nepeta, Jane, Feferi, and John, all early risers, were up, drinking coffee. Everybody soon was there. Jane was in the kitchen making pancakes while everybody was opening presents.  
From Sollux to Karkat: An anger management book  
From Gamzee to Dave: The Marshall Mathers LP 2  
From Kanaya to Roxy: a Cocktails guide  
From Dave to Dirk: The Book of Five Rings  
From Feferi to Jane: a cookbook  
From Tavros to John: a Prankster book  
From Rose to Eridan: Harry Potter complete set  
From everyone to Karkat: The 10 Greatest Romantic comedies "I NEVER THOUGHT I GET SUCH A GREAT FUCKING GIFT…"  
From Jade to John: A model Con Air airplane  
From Terezi to Jake: Two NERF pistols  
From Nepeta to Dirk: DEAD LINE CIRCUS Volume 1  
From Vriska to everyone: a really light rock.  
("Couldn't you hold off the bitch routine for just Christmas?" :B  
"Br8k them open."  
Breaks them open and finds rare crystals "Thanks Vriska!"

At this point, Jane popped her head out. "Who is up for Pancakes?" After pancakes, they went to church, and then played all day in the snow until about five. Back at the apartment Kanaya was busy roasting stocking by the fire, while everybody was busy cooking the popovers, or the stuffing, or the mashed potatoes, or the turkey. When they were ready with everything, Dave was caught reaching his hand towards the Popover Basket. "hey! say grace! first person who takes food says grace!" Dave smiled, then put his hands together, and then waited for the rest of the people to do the same. "alright bros. we give thanks for those that made it both in body and in spirit thanks for this meal and thanks for the new lease on life that you gave us. We are here waiting to enjoy the bounty you set before us, and don't be pissed off to find out we wont be waiting any longer, bro!"  
"Ameeeeeeeen to that! ::::)"  
Sollux felt like these people were his family. In Alternia, there was no such thing as parenthood, and these people he had been with for 2 and a half sweeps. He felt something he hadn't felt for 3 years now.

He was home.

==Switch scene and time

Renge waited patiently for Christmas day. When It same time for her turn, she snatched the present out. It only took one rip of the wrapping paper to see where it was. There, staring back at her, was Miyabi Ichijo, the one she first fell in love with after all these years. She took another tear of the paper, to see that Uki Doki Memorial 3 for the Playstation 4 was looking right back at her.

Into the night, Renge was Enjoying her game and her third Log roll slice, when she felt a hand on her shoulder, and saw it was someone she had'nt seen in a while.

"It's Renge, right? Host club manager?" Renge hit the _pause_ button and faced her Half-sister.

"Yeah. What about it?"

"What do you know about Tamaki Suoh?"

==End intermission


	6. Act 2 Act 1

==AK: begin Act 2

==AK: begin Act 2 Act 1

Flash-forward to December 29: Eridan, Jake, Sollux and Dirk took off from JFK. Their plane would make a stopover at San Francisco before landing at Tokyo. "I cant wwait to see Reiko."

"And Tamaki."

"And-uh-my girls as well!"

"wwoww, look wwho's forevver alone noww."

"Well, me and Kanako didn't have anything in the first place…"

"Don't try to deny that type of stuff, bro."

"Well, She's about to be bloody MARRIED, and I don't want to be remembered as the host who had an affair with someone's fiancée-"

"2uiit your2elf bro." They all laughed except for Jake, who had taken an interest in the in the isle. They turned to Sollux. "Wwhats up, Sol? Did somefin happen betwween you and Renge?"

"Yeah. Uuh…II kinda let 2liip two Tamakii about AA and II." The rest of the host club on the plane looked at Sollux. "Wwhat?"

"You heard me." Except for Eridan and Dirk ordering snacks, the plane was silent, at least until they landed in San Francisco. Jake spoke up "So, do you think the girls will like it if I bring them some Ghirardelli?" nobody responded. "I blerry well think they would." He got up from his seat, and walked off the plane. Eridan looked at Sollux. "Wwhale, I think it wwas good wwhile it lasted."

"Don't 2ay that, ED. There miight bee a way out of thii2."

"I'm sorry to be a prince a hope here, but I think I can tell wwhen there is no hope."

"The la2t tiime you 2aiid that, you kiilled an iinnocent giirl."

"Wwhale then, you fix this problem yourself."

Sollux sighed as he wondered what he would say to Renge. He had 10,000 feet to find out.

"**WE HAVE NOW REACHED CRUSING ALTITIDE OF 10,000 FEET. THE CAPTAN HAS TURNED OFF THE SEATBELT SIGN, AND THE USE OF ELECTRONIC DEVICES ARE NOW PERMITTED**."

Sollux flipped open his phone. "Here we go. Come on, 2iignle22, you've taken away wiith one hand, now give wiith the other!"

twinArmageddons [TA] began pestering enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM]

TA: hey

TA: renge

TA: are you there

TA: come on, ju2t 2ay hii

TA: are you ok

EM: huh?

EM: oh, hi sol-chan!

EM: whats up?

TA: oh

TA: diid tamakii tell you about…you know

TA: aa and ii?

EM: oh, yeah, that.

EM: hey, It's really no big deal.

EM: hey, at least you fall in love with real people

EM: keep in mind your girlfriend is the crazy otaku that falls in love with fictional characters

EM: What I find much more interesting is that I'm dating my god.

TA: yeah

TA: 2o…ii2 iit ok beetwen you and II?

EM: yeah!

TA: 2o…How wa2 chrii2tma2?

EM: it was OK. Jacques came home alright, and he brought a surprise visitor.

TA: who?

EM: his sister. My half sister.

TA: waiit…What?

EM: oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you! This is my mom's second marriage! Jacques is my half brother.

EM: can you believe it?

EM: her first marriage was to this guy I never met, His last name was "Tonnerre" and he was the CEO of some corporation. When they divorced, Jacques stayed with her, and the half sister, named Éclair, stayed with the dad.

EM: they reunited at Harvard, and Éclair stayed with us for Christmas!

EM: So, after a few hours of gossip, I uncovered some news, and this is amazing.

TA: ii'm all ear2.

EM: Her governess was Anne-Sophie de Grantiane, Tamaki Suoh's mother!

TA: WHAT?

TA: that'2 2traiight out of one of your doujiin2hii2.

EM: I know, right? Anyway, not only that, but she has a crush none other than mister princeling himself!

TA: and what diid you 2ay?

EM: I said I knew him at ouran and we might be able to hook the two of them together in Paris for a day or two, see how it goes!

TA: oh gog no

EM: what's wrong, sol-kun

TA: your eggnog mu2t have been 2piiked, tamakii'2 already iin a relatiion2hiip wiith diirk!

EM: oh gosh no. れんげさんをばか！

TA: Don't worry, we miight be 2till in the clear.

TA: ttyl, renge

TA: we wiill talk later.

twinArmageddons [TA] ceased pestering enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM]

8 hours later-WHUMP. Their plane landed in Narita international airport. The Four Groggily sat up in their seats. "Gue22 we gotta go."

When they walked out of baggage claim, they saw a number of signs of the many chauffers' that could take them out of here. Their chauffeur picked up the bags, and Eridan and his comrades fell slowly to sleep, all the way to Ouran.

Sollux was dreaming. He was in a wedding. The groom was Tamaki. The Bride was someone he didn't know. She was about 5'4", with brown hair, and blue eyes. Sollux knew her, in some way, but he didn't know who she was at the same time. Who was she? She looked like Renge, but she seemed more striking. He decided to go with the flow. The vows were being made, but Sollux could tell something was amiss. Tamaki was more hesitant, and she seemed more demanding. The rector said, "You may kiss the bride." Sollux thought it was usual, except when their lips met, he felt a sort of pain, like he was having a heart attack. He looked down, and he saw his chest was bleeding. His vision blurring, He looked around the room, and saw that Kyoya, The twins, Mori, Honey, Dirk, Eridan and Jake had the same Splatter. He opened his chest, and saw that it was no cut-his entire chest cavity burst open. He screamed in horror, as he heard Eridan say "wwake up! For cod's sake, wwake up!" He shot his eyes open, and he clutched his chest. He looked around, and he saw Eridan and Renge standing over him. He was in his dorm. "Wwhat wwas that all about?"

"ii Had a-niightmare. Iit'2 not ju2t a niightmare-iit'2 the vii2iion twofold." Sollux told them about the nightmare. "wwhale, then its just a nightmare."

"ii dont thiink thiink thii2 ii2 a niightmare. Iit'2 getting more cryptiic. ii have plenty of niightmare2-AA niightmare2, 2grub niightmare2, Alterniia niightmare2-thii2 ii2nt a niightmare." Renge opened her mouth. "His descriptions of her-it's exactly like Éclair, my half-sister. She has a crush on Tamaki."

"Wwhy does their marriage invvolvve us dyin?"

"We don't diie-we liive, wiithout a heart."

"Wwhile that's poetic, wwhat does it mean?"

"Heart ii2 a22ociiated wiith love-whiich refer2 two the ho2t club..."

"Well, we have more to worry about than that. The New Year's ball is coming up, which is a way of welcoming back the students, as well as celebrating the New Year. Eri-chan, go back to your dorm. Lucky for us, Classes don't start until the second."

Sollux, Eridan, Dirk, and Jake spent the remainder of the 30th sleeping. They needed to catch up on all the sleep. Renge had to go out to get preparations ready for the ball. Eridan finally woke up around 7, which would make it 5 in New York. He put on some pants, a scarf, his glasses and a Aquarius shirt, blew a kiss toward the hidden security camera that his fangirls set up, and walked out of the Dorm. He went into the cloister, and watched the snowfall. His hands were cold, but he did not mind. He found a bench, and took a seat. Some minutes later, Jake came. "Do you mind if I keep you company, old chum?"

"Umm, no, not at all." Jake sat down. They sat for a few second. Finally, Jake spoke up: "Remember when you and I combined the gun and the wand for the weapon that would wipe Lord English out?"

"Yeah."

"We beat that bastard."

"At the cost of our own LIVVES."

"Well, everyone else died beating the black king, so I suppose it was all right." Eridan Laughed sardonically. "Do you regret it? Sburb?"

"Not really."

"Wwhy? My wwhole univverse wwas destroyed."

"I miss my homeworld too. But it was worth it, in the end." Jake regarded Eridan. "How was Alternia?"

"It wwas beautiful, If you take awway all the bloodshed. The moonrise of the purple and Green moons were so stunning. The landscape was amazing. The colors of purple, orange, and green wwere beautiful, wwild lusii roamin the endless expanse." He smiled. "Wwhat about you?"

"You've got the lusii right, but we had the sun coming up. It was invigorating every day old chum, when I got out of my bed and explored the small island that was my world. I never saw the rest of my world. My island was filled with pumpkins, lusii, and the danger and adventure of an entire universe. I feel so lucky to find a new world of myself. I've seen more people here than in my entire life." And that was the end of the conversation.

The day passed, and yet again, Ouran was throwing a party to celebrate the New Year. The host club arrived in the limo, Dirk, Sollux, and Eridan with their dates. Some girls accosted Jake. "Jake-kun, will Kanako-san be joining you?"

"Unfortunately, no. She is going with her fiancee, so I am open, and need for a date. Perhaps one of you ladies would be content to join me later?" The girls screamed in delight as he passed them by. "PICK ME, JAKE-CHAN!" Sollux stood next to Renge. "Are you liikiing thii2?"

"Yeah." Sollux smiled at her, but then, when he turned to face the next limo, his smile fell off his face. Walking out of the next limo was the girl from his dream. "Hey, Renge...That's the girl from my dream."

"Wha-Oh, look, it's Éclair!" Sollux was taken aback. Éclair Tonnerre, here? Why would she be-Tamaki. He decided to play nice for her. Renge pulled him towards the French woman. Éclair looked in her direction. "Oh, it's you, Renge. And who is this charming young man?"

"This is Sollux Captor, my boyfriend. I was telling you about him."

"So you have. Sollux, I believe you are a member of the host club, are you not?"

"Ye2, ii am."

"By chance, you know of their leader, Tamaki Suoh?"

"Ye2, of cour2e. II'll take you two hiim." Sollux led the woman towards Tamaki, finding the purple-eyed beauty leaning on a railing, talking to Dirk. Tamaki turned His attention to Éclair, and flashed one of his famous grins. "How are you tonight, young lady? Would you care for a dance?"

"But of course, Monsieur Suoh." He led her into the dance hall, leaving Dirk and Sollux. "ii Dont tru2t her."

"No reason do so, but no reason not to do so."

"Lii2ten-there ii2 one rea2on not two. Do you know who 2he ii2?"

"Nope."

"Éclair Tonnerre. Apparently, Tamakii'2 reputatiion preceede2 hiim." Dirk had enough info to complete that thought. He sat back against the railing.

Meanwhile, Tamaki and Éclair were dancing. "By the way, I didn't catch your name, Ma'am."

"Éclair Tonnerre."

"Your family's reputation precedes you, Miss Tonnerre."

"As does your own. I've heard quite the stories about you, and you have made no effort to dissuade them." Tamaki looked at her. "So, you referred to me as Monsieur. French, or just classy?"

"French."

"Tres bien! I am one half. Two members of the most romantic of races meet at the edges of the orient. Do you not feel the attraction?"

"I certainly do." Tamaki looked into her eyes. "And where did my face and charm call you from?"

"Harvard."

"A Harvard woman, as smart as she is beautiful. You just keep getting better and better." He took her into his arms, as they kissed.

From the balcony, Kaoru, Haruhi, and Eridan watched.

"Dirk isn't going to be happy about this."

"Not at all."

"Isn't this just the routine?"

Kaoru stared down at Tamaki. "Not exactly. Tamaki can be as just as egotistical as Kyoya. His partner is Éclair Tonnerre, Daughter and heiress of Grand Tonnerre, a French business. This could be him helping trying to secure a business deal. Anything to help the family business."

"Wwhale for noww, wwe just havve to wwait and sea. But for noww, wwe havve guests." He checked his watch. "11:55." They walked back down, and waited the countdown.

The party went on until next year. Jake English was enjoying the fireworks, when suddenly; a hand was placed on his shoulder. Toru Suzushima was standing behind him. "Hey. Can we talk?"

"Yeah." Jake and Toru walked back inside the hall. "I've got news. Kanako's pregnant. She's about half a month in."

"I'll try to support you in any way I can."  
"No-it's about the baby."  
"What about it?"

"She wants you to be godfather." Jake stared ahead at the man. It must be hard, with a fiancée pregnant at 17. "It would be my pleasure." They sat in silence, with nothing but the pops and crackles of fireworks behind him. "Hey, could I ask you something?"

"Yes."

"Did you ever-you know-do it?" The Englishman opened his mouth. "She came onto me. It was on Halloween. I-I'm so sorry."

"It's OK. I was expecting that. I should have been there for her. Hey, you brought us back together. I can't view you too bad."

"How is England, by the way?" Toru had temporarily forgot he was studying abroad. "Oh-wet as always."

At around 1:00, Tamaki announced the ball was closed. The host club piled into the Limo, and they drove off.

Back at their dorm, Sollux laid on the bed. Renge sat on the edge. "What did you think?"

"II'm concerned for Tamakii. 2he'2 goiing to do 2omethiing that wiil affect the ho2t club diirectly."

"Hey." She slid next to him, a smile on her face. "It's going to be ok." She leaned over him, and gave him a kiss. He was surprised at first, and then kissed her again as she straddled his legs. He then fell back into the bed, as she tore open his bathrobe.

Dirk approached Tamaki after the ball. He had his rocket board tucked around him. "Hey. I got a surprise, get on the board." Tamaki stepped on the board, hugging Dirk. "Alright, Where are we going-AAAAHHHHHHHH!" Dirk had already took off, and they were speeding away from the Ouran campus. They were heading into downtown. "WHERE ARE WE GOING?!" Dirk was picking up speed and altitude, as he sped towards Tokyo tower. "Oh." Dirk's Board stopped at the summit of the spire. The world's largest city loomed beneath them, from the highest skyscraper to the lowest Yakuza gambling ring. "Wow."

"I know. I come here about once a week." Dirk took a bottle and two glasses out of his sylladxes when Tamaki was not looking. Tamaki spun around and watched Dirk uncork the champagne. "Had to get in touch with the yakuza trainees to get these." Five minutes later, they ware leaning against the central spire. "I envy Haruhi."

"Huh?"

"You heard me. She goes to this school, right? She spends 4 magical years here and then she just leaves, like a dream. A fantastical dream, where you entertain royalty and mingle and rub elbows with the children of some of the most powerful people on Earth. And when we all go, we have jobs and responsibilities, and we have to keep up an image. And she? She can do anything. I think she's going to be a great lawyer someday."

"Sometimes the price we pay for riches are freedom."

"By the way, what are you going to do? I see nothing when I look you up, and to me, you have-literally nothing to your name. What are you going to do?"

"I don't know yet. I'll try to figure something out."

"You would never make it as Kyoya's boyfriend." They laughed at Kyoya's apparent 'egotism'. "Hey. I think I owe something to you, and I know that you might think this is because you were drunk, but this is real. Just want to tell you that before I showed you. In fact, that's why I came here." Dirk slipped out his Flash drive. "Ok, I'm going to need you to look at this light…"

Valentines day was coming. Eridan dully noted the feels being spread. It seemed as if everyday was Valentines Day at the host club. Eridan was notified of the Host Club Valentines concert. "Uhh, Cod..." Love letters from random fangirls avalanched Eridan, and it was nice to know that somebody loved him. He wrote all of the host club guests a Love line in person, telling them their only flaw was that he couldn't chose between all of them (Btww, I got all these at some stupid fuckin commoner store, so I didn't put any THOUGHT into it). "Daww, Eri-chan!"

On the fourteenth, he stepped up onto the Ouran Auditorium. He was in a band: Mori was Bass, Honey was drums, the Twins were rhythm, and Tamaki was Lead. "Noww, this goes out to all you gills: you need to learn a lesson, so listen carefully..." The fangirls cheered. He opened his mouth to sing.

{ art/Eridan-Character-song-413075833}

When his song was over, He looked at all the fangirls. Some were passing out, some were trying to get onto the stage, and the noise was deafening. Eridan looked over the crowd. "Alright, this final song is a duet betwween none other than Dirk Strider and Tamaki Suoh!" He looked off at the audience, His smile beginning to fade as he saw the mysterious Frenchwoman with a pair of gold opera glasses...But it just as quickly returned, as he walked off the stage.

Tamaki and Dirk looked at each other, as they waked toward each other, towards the microphone. Dirk looked at his boyfriend's eyes, as Tamaki began playing the guitar. Dirk opened his mouth to sing:

"ごせんマイルはっしっていきをきらして。"Tamaki replied in his own Japanese voice:

"アドレナリンひゃくりっとるごたいすべてフルかどう。"

"ここまでくればいいだおる？どこまでがオケ？まちをいろでおきぎはもようがえくりかえしてる…"

"かわりはてたしろさかわれないよわさいまここにいるじぶんをしんじたい。"The two spoke in unison for a line, their voices richly complimenting each other.

"みぎてひだりてふりかざしてたみをきりさてゴ！"

"いつわりないぜ！"

"かくごきめてれぜ！"The two singers began to come a little closer to each other...

"スタアトきっとそのしゅんかんからせかいわひろがるさ。"And the two boys kissed. In front of the entire audience, which went wild, by the way. With the exception of a certain Tonnerre that happened to be sitting in one of the box seats...

Eridan turned to the crowd. "Alright, noww, some a you lucky ladies happen to be part a the after party! You knoww wwho you are..." Some girls clamored onto the stage.

"Wwhoah! My looks aren't nearly worth enough to get all of your own pretty faces trampled. Use the exit doors, and proceed to the main hall." Eridan himself sneaked through the stage door. He had some news for Renge.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM]

CA: Hey, Ren

EM: eri-kun?

CA: I got some newws

CA: and it aint all that good

EM: ok

EM: shoot

CA: wwhale

CA: I seem to have noticed a certain Tonnerre in the crowwd.

EM: what?

EM: but she wasn't on the list

EM: but that is'nt a problem...

CA: RENGE

CA: DID YOU SEA THE FUCKIN FINALE?

EM: oh

EM: yeah, that...

EM: this could end before it began...

CA: This could end badly

EM: we need to get a suitable course of action

CA: YEahhhdjhbjgasehrb

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM]

"Wwoww." Eridan got up, and saw Reiko standing behind him. She was wearing a Black dress. He got up, and Put his phone back into his pocket. "Wwhat wwas that for?" he grumbled as he Kissed her. She looked up at him and said, "Is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" He stared at her. "C'mon, let's go." He put his hand around her as they walked off to the hall.

At the after party, Eclair walked to Tamaki, who was chatting with Hikaru. She walked right up to him and slapped him. "What the FUCK was that for?"

"What the kiss? It's nothing personal; he's just my boyfriend. I'm bisexual, and how did you come in here?" At this instant, Sollux appeared in the door. "Hey, Tamakii, ii thiink we 2hould talk..." Tamaki walked to Sollux. "What's up?"

"Don't tru2t her. Whatever you do, Don't tru2t Eclair Tonnerre, iif you value the ho2t club." and with that, Sollux walked off, approaching a crowd of girls. "Ladiie2..."

"What did he mean?" Tamaki Walked back into the crowd.

Renge approached Eclair. She opened her mouth, and spoke in french: "Hey, Eclair, I forgot to tell you."

"It's OK."

"I'm sorry."

"No, no problem." Eclair walked off, muttering something about "This is getting drastic..." Renge looked at Eclair. _Is there something you're not telling me, Nee-chan?_

"2up."

"Oh, Sollux. She found out about Tamaki and Dirk."

"Dammiit."

Tamaki hopped in his limo, and it drove off. His phone was buzzing.

machiavellianHeiress [MH] began pestering irresistibleLadiesman [IL]

MH: Hello

IL: i'm sorry, do I know you?

MH: yes

IL: ok, what do you want?

MH: I'll be waiting...

IL: ok...

machiavellianHeiress [MH] ceased pestering irresistibleLadiesman [IL]

Tamaki got out of the van, stepped into his dorm, and got into of the shower. He was wondering what this person meant...He stepped out of his bathroom, bathrobe on, and Stepped right into the face of Éclair Tonnerre. She grabbed his head, and kissed him. "How-How did you get in here?"

"The door was unlocked."

"What are you doing here?"

"You're mom sent me." She held up her iphone, which showed a persterlog showing that they were to be married. "Wha-"

"Apparently, your grandmother was so mad that you weren't totally straight that she authorized our marriage. So I decided we get to know each other a bit..." She kissed him a few times, before going down to the neck. "I'm a host, not a man whore."

"Relax. We're going to do both..."

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering irresistibleLadiesman [IL]

TT: Yo.

TT: Hey, Tamaki.

TT: Are you there?

TT: Hello?

TT: I'm talking to myself, right?

TT: I'll talk to you later.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering irresistibleLadiesman [IL]

A week passed. Dirk noticed Tamaki getting more distant, farther away. "What's going on?" He would always ask Tamaki. Tamaki would saunter on. The rest of the host club watched Tamaki getting less sleep. His guests always asked the prince what was troubling his kingdom. Kyoya also watched Eclair become closer to Tamaki. Maybe the worst fears of his were confirmed. Maybe the Prince got a Princess that was here to stay...Kyoya feared the worst for the host club.

Finally, Tamaki made an announcement, at the end of the day. "I regret to inform you that this is the final day of operation for the host club. We officially dissolve, due to personal matters." Kyoya looked up. "Tamakii?" Sollux looked like it was no big deal. "Hey, Tamakii, no biig deal. Ju2t beecau2e you're leaving do2ent mean that iit'2 over." Kyoya looked at Sollux. "If he leaves, Sol-kun, then it is over. He has a 70% request rate, the lion's share of income for all of the revenue for the host club generated by requests. And you know that, Tamaki-san. **And you know that**!" Tamaki looked grim. Kyoya looked at him "Tell them, Tamaki. Tell them. You owe it to them. You stole their hearts. All of their hearts. You owe them something."

"I Don't-"

"Tell it, or I will."

"Fine. Girls, I have something to say. I'm getting married!"

"But Tamaki-"

"They decided to get the wedding over with. I can't be married and run a host club!" Tamaki started to tear up. "What makes things worse, they've requested I go to France until the wedding day." Tamaki knelt at the feet of his guests, and then, with tears in his eyes, he spoke: "My princesses. Will you ever forgive me?" The twins stared at him. "That's an actual tear."

"I know." Tamaki stood up. He shook hands with everyone. Eridan looked at him. "Tam, wwe could just start a neww host club. It's no big deal."

"You don't understand, Eri-Chan. It's my grandmother. She made me do this. And she's banned any and all sort of host clubs from starting again!"

"Wwait, she can't do that, can sh-"

"My father is the superintendent of the school. Of course she can." He threw up his hands. "I'm sorry, all of you. Good-bye." He turned to Dirk. "Is this it, Tamaki? Are we over?"

"I'm afraid so, Dirk. We're breaking up." And with that, He kissed Dirk, spun on his heel, and walked about of the unused music room. "I'm sorry, girls," Said Mori, surprisingly. "The host club is dead."

_Our Revels now have ended. These our actors,_

_As I foretold you, were all spirits and _

_Are melted into air, into thin air:_

_And, like the baseless fabric of this vision, _

_The cloud-capped towers_

_The gorgeous palaces, the great globe itself,_

_Yea, all which inherit, Shall dissolve_

_And, like this insubstantial pageant faded,_

_Leave not a rack behind. We are such stuff that dreams are made of, _

_And our little life is rounded with a sleep._

==End of Act 2 Act 1


	7. Act 2 Act 2

==Be Ouranbound Reader

You are now the Ouranbound Reader. You have just finished reading Act 2 Act 1 And right now, you are flipping your wicked shit.

==Well, these diseases can only be cured if you have the right Doctor, right?

You check the phonebook and see the possible doctors, and a wide list is avalible to you. There is Who, Dre, House, Scratch, Horrible, and Octopus-But none of these will do. You do not need help where Daleks, Lord English, Slim Shady, Spiderman, and Musicals are concerned. You need to cure the diseases of the story, because NOBODY likes a cliffhanger.

==Ouranbound Reader: Call a proper Doctor

Hello? Yes, I have a cliffhanger. Yes, I'm afraid it's serious. What? Today? Thank you, sir.

==Guess who's back

Back again.

==AK's Back.

Tell a friend.

The good Doctor Adoribilius Kermode, MD tells you that all it takes is a one-time shot of Divine Intervention-Deus ex machina. It only takes a few paragraphs to kick in. It's heavy-duty stuff though, and some side effects include possible plotholes, and, in more serious cases, the entire plot going to shit.

==AK: initialize Emergency reboot through plot device

==AK: reboot Ouranbound

There we go! What did he tell you?

==AK: begin Act 2 Act 2

Let's finish this. Put your serious face on.

Eridan sighed as he passed the halls, looking for a place to study. Away from all the noise. He opened the door, which led to the music room. "All the memories..." He walked in the room. It was dark, of course. The same tables and chairs lay around, but Eridan felt the loneliness. He suddenly felt angry with Tamaki. That bastard had taken everything away from him. Eridan felt something in that club that he hadn't felt before. He had felt wanted. He had felt like someone needed him. And now, he felt as alone as ever. He felt the voices in his head. _Pathetic. Forever alone. You'll never find anyone. So desperate._

Shut up, He told himself. But the voices continued inside his head. _Insufferable. This was a joke. You are a joke._ He tightened his grip, as he whipped out his wand. He spun around. "SHUT UP!" The wand shot out a coil, a whip. The whip knocked a stool, causing the vase on top to fall on the floor, shattering in instantly. Eridan waved his wand, causing the pieces to re-form. He looked at the vase and picked it up, setting it on the stool. He sobbed, as he pondered the irony of the situation. He had been worshipping the moment. He felt like he wasn't alone anymore in that club. And now, in this clubroom, he had never felt so abandoned in his life. "It's hard. It's hard bein a kid and growwin up an nobody understands."

_But look on the bright side_, said another voice in his head. _If you hadn't joined the Host club, you'd have never met Reiko, Would you?_ He smiled. "Yeah, I guess you're right." He stood up, and was approached by a high schooler on his way out. "Oh. Hi there. I'm Kiku Takahashi, High school second year. I'm part of the jazz club, and we wanted to find a place to practice. We heard this room was free. Can we use it?"

"Oh...Yeah, no prob."

"Hey...I heard about the host club shutting down. I find that kind of sad. Just sad to see it go."

"Yeah..." Eridan walked out of the room. He strolled down the halls, and sat down in a courtyard. A girl who was not a student in the school approached him. She was strikingly beautiful. Eridan would never say it, but she would probably give Reiko a run for her money. Eridan snapped at her. "Hey, wwhat are you doin here, wwhy didn't security nab you alre-MMMMFFFFF-" She kissed him on the lips, and he was getting a telepathic message, like she was transmitting something into his brain. "Wwhat? Meet wwith your representative at Quickly, hostess club district? wwhy? oh, all Right..." When he snapped out of his trance, she was gone, and it was nighttime. He looked at the stars. The Eridanus River and Aquarius were especially bright tonight. He knew what to do. For the first time since Valentines Day, he smiled.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering calculatingExecutive [CE]

CA: kyo

CA: kyo

CE: what is it, Eri-kun?

CA: i knoww wwhat to do

CA: gather evveryone at my place. Wwe're goin to the city.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering calculatingExecutive [CE]

Eridan's dorm was full that night. Haruhi, Kyoya, Hikaru, Kaoru, Mori, Honey, Sollux, Renge, Jake, and Dirk were inside. "Alright, old sport, you've gathered us here, now tell us: what in the frigs flippin sake is going on in this complete malarkish situation?"

"Alright...noww, I got some sort of message. It's reely wweird, but I need you to bear wwith me on this."

"We're listening."

"I knoww of a wway to get Tam back." claps and cheers were heard. "And how would you propose to do that?" asked the twins, in unison. "It's wweird, but listfin to me..."

After Eridan had finished explaining, Reiko came in. "Hey, Eridan..." She set her things down. "Night courses are an absolute bitch, let me tell you..." She looked at him. "Hey, What's wrong?"

"Just...tam an the host club and evveryfin..." Reiko looked at her Hipster boyfriend, and put her arms around him. "What are you going to do?"

The next day was a Saturday. Eridan led the way out of town. The Limo drove into the Hostess District. "Hey, look Dirk-chan, those are commoner host clubs!"

"I didn't know they had them too!"

"Wwhale, maybe if you weren't so sheltered, you wwould knoww." Everybody looked at him. "Eriidan, what the fuck ii2 wrong wiith you?"

"Just pissed at Eclair."

"We all are, old chap. That tea-toast and jam mad cheese-and-crackers bitch took th host club away from us. And, in Dirk's case, a boyfriend." Dirk was looking despondent the entire way there. "Don't worry, old boy. We'll get out of this malarkey soon enough." Dirk looked at Jake. Eridan broke the silence by looking outside. "Oh, look, there's the Quickly." Eridan walked inside the small Quickly bar. Apparently, many a representative of a hostess club was there. "Wwhere is she?"

Suddenly, a young, beautiful, girl approached them. She looked picture perfect, like they had been photoshopped. The western standard of beauty. "Eridan Ampora?"

"Yeah, wwhy?"

"Follow me, please." She led them down a few alleyways, and Eridan looked at her Wwhere is this bitch-They stopped in front of an elegant building. "Welcome to Host(ess)-the finest host and hostess club in the country. It's very expensive, and it's manager is very well known."

"I'm sorry, but wwhat?"

"She's the Shinto goddess of love herself."

"Come again?" The twins looked at each other. "Did she say-"

"-The shinto goddess of love herself?" They both laughed. "LOL! That's a good joke, Ma'am. We don't doubt that your manager is beautiful, but we kind of doubt she's a GODDESS." A voice spoke in the hall. "While it may come off as humorous, it's no joke." A Japanese woman appeared in the doorway. She was about maybe 16, 17. She had designer clothes on, and had long hair, and all of them had to say, they gave any of their guests a run for their money in the beauty department. The younger girl bowed in front of the woman. "Guests, this is my lady, Benzaiten, goddess of love, beauty and eloquence." Dirk looked up at her. "Forgive me, but you're a goddess. To make it clearer, what's a girl like you doing in a place like this?"

"Oh. To explain that, there was a shrine of mine around here. It was removed for the host and hostess clubs, but the closer you are to the site, the luckier in love you will become, and the more likely you are to fall in love. Right this way, please." She took them inside the building, and led them into one of the separate rooms. However, everyone except Eridan, Sollux, Jake, and Dirk were told to wait in the waiting room. "Wwhat is this?" The goddess looked at Eridan.

"Now." she said. "To business." She went to a lingerie cabinet on one side of the room, and produced a black briefcase. She set it down n the kotasu table in front of them. "These should contain the passwords to Eclair's personal chumhandles." Eridan grabbed the briefcase. "Thanks. If you evver need us, call us. Wwe'll be on out wway noww-"

"Wait. I never said you could leave now. Especially without the briefcase."

"Wwhat?" Benzaiten looked at Eridan. "You have to earn it first. You've got to face love itself."

"Wwhat do you mean? Listfin, wwe don't havve time for games-" At this, Benzaiten gave him a look. It was of pure hatred, of just-fear. She spoke in an unearthly voice as her eyes glowed white. Winds picked up as she elevated herself into the sky. "_Love is no game, Eridan Ampora! It is no flowery softness! It is hard work- It demands everything from you- especially the truth. Only then does it yield results_."

"Oh my cod." Eridan scoffed. He was beginning to feel pissed. To the point where he didn't care what he said. "I'vve defeated Lord English. You don't scare me."

"I scared you enough into killing your unrequited love and the only one you considered a friend. I scare you very much." Eridan looked at her. She pointed to his midsection. At once, Eridan felt like a wire had been wrapped tight against his midsection, and then a million volts had been sent through the wire. He screamed in pain. The scream was unearthly. Take one thousand men, and put them n a desert island for all of human history with no food or no water or food or sex, but somehow kept alive. Then, after they've been starves, and thirsted (is that even a word?) and fuck deprived for a million sweeps, imagine a big pile of t-bone steaks, a huge casing of beer, and ten thousand hookers dropped on the beach. Then take the sound of them eating and fucking and drinking, and drive it in the middle of your brain at a trillion hertz, and you wouldn't some close to the scream Eridan made. Sollux recognized that scream. The scream of an Alternean high blood. Eridan's skin began to grey. Fins burst from the earlobes. Horns began to grow.

Jake stood up. "Land sakes alive, woman, you're positively killing him!" Benzaiten ignored him. "Stop-no-wwhy?" Eridan felt the pain subside. The skin returned to the natural Caucasian color. The horns disappeared. The fins shrunk back. Eridan felt like a burn was around his body. Then he remembered.

That was where he was sawed in half.

Eridan Ampora looked at the goddess with resentment. "You...bitch..." Then he remembered what she said to him. _"- It demands everything from you- especially the truth._" He looked at the goddess. "So-I havve to tell her, don't I?"

"Indeed. Your true life. You cannot hide behind another history."

"She'll nevver believve me!" Benzaiten settled down. Her eyes turned back to brown. The winds died down. "If she loves you, she will." Eridan remembered what Sollux had told Renge, just before he left for New York at Christmas. Renge knew. Why not Reiko? Then it struck Eridan. "She'll never forgivve me. I krilled a gill, worse yet, the one that I lovved. I krilled one a my best friends, an I'vve been an asshole all a my life! Evven if she does, she'll nevver look at me the same way! I'vve fucked up wwith Fef, don't let me fuck up wwith her, please!" There were tears in his eyes. The goddess smiled at him. "I may not be the goddess of prophecy, but I can tell you this piece of romantic advice: she was open with you: if you can't be open with her, then she isn't worth your time." She walked out of the room, vanishing in a scent of cherry blossoms and scented candles.

Eridan walked into the waiting room, briefcase in hand. "You have it?"

"Yeah. Time to get cracking." Eridan sat in the passenger seat of the limo. He cradled his phone in his hands. He pressed the tab _yandereNecromancer_ and clicked the word _Pester_.

==Eridan: report your life story to Reiko.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering yandereNecromancer [YN]

CA: ok i wwas goin to go easy on you in order to not shock you

CA: but it seems like I havve no choice in the matter

YN: Eri-chan, what are you going on aboat?

CA: alright, I need to tell what you wwhat's goin on

CA: it needs to be said

YN: I'm listening

And Eridan started talking to her about his real life: Alternia, Sgrub, the Meteor incident, and killing Lord English.

YN: Eridan?

YN: Are you shore you're not on a bad trip or somefin?

Eridan scowled. He took his flash drive, and took a picture of the light as he pressed the button. Even through a screen, memories could be read.

CA: i dont mind if you wwant to break up wwith me

CA: wwhale i do

CA: but i just wwanted you to understand

YN: Hey

YN: it's ok!

YN: So...that make's you my...cod?

CA: yeah

YN: wow

YN: I feel more honored than anything.

CA: uh thanks

YN: hey

YN: ttyl ok?

CA: uh

CA: thanks

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering yandereNecromancer [YN]

Eridan looked at the screen. He felt a tear of relief pass through him. "Wwhale." He felt the car stop. "Ouran Gakuen?"

"Yep." He got out of the car, a spring in his step.

Five thousand miles away, Tamaki stepped into one of the sitting rooms in Eclair's spacious Paris apartment. "Le petite Versailles."

"Why thank you." Eclair had stepped into the room. Tamaki snapped his fingers. He knelt down by a record player, got a record out and slopped it on the record player. He Put the needle down on the disk, and took Eclair's hand. "Ma Cherie~" He took her in his arms and they began to dance as the vinyl song began to play:

_Ne me quitte pas_

"Jaques Briel? Don't you know he's Belgian?"

"Does it make the song any less romantic?" The heiress looked at Tamaki "I guess not."

"In all seriousness, if anyone knows about love here, its me."

_Il faut oublier_

_Tout peut s´oublier_

_Qui s´enfuit déjà_

_Oublier le temps_

_Des malentendus_

_Et le temps perdu_

_A savoir comment_

_Oublier ces heures_

_Qui tuaient parfois_

_A coups de pourquoi_

_Le cœur du bonheur_

Tamaki would never admit it, but he was beginning to enjoy her company. Maybe it was just transitioning to a new person. He made the transition more quickly than he would have liked. It was a bit sad, being away from Dirk for so long. He decided not to bring it up around her. As much as he regretted it, he missed his guests. At the end of the song, He spun her around, so that she was in front of him, he arms around her. "I love you." He thought about reciprocating. He thought about the regret, all the things he would have missed out on. He would return to Ouran a heartbreaker. Many a fiancee would beat him up, and Tamaki wasn't sure Kyoya would provide extra security. Only Eridan, Haruhi, and Kyoya went with him to the airport, Eridan shooting a look of pure derision at Eclair. He also felt strangely out of place when he mumbled into her ear, "I love you too." He felt like those words were insincere. Like they would never be.

calculatingExecutive [CE] began pestering twinArmageddon [TA]

CE: Sol-kun

TA: what'2 up

CE: I need you to hack into her private chumhandles.

TA: what do you mean?

CE: well, it seems that i can only access one of her chumhandles. It seems to be one of personal business, but nothing we can pin against her to get Tamaki back.

TA: ok

TA: 2o ii'm goiing to have to run miind honey

CE: what?

TA: Iit'2 a very powerful codiing 2oftware of my own de2iign.

TA: ba2iically iit allow2 you to hack iintwo any 2oftware

TA: and allow2 you two 2end fiile2 at any poiint iin tiime

This was a lie; This was alternian coding language, and it could hack into any earth safe-any EARTH safe.

CE: that won't be necessary. I have the codes with me right now.

TA: ii'll explaiin later

CE: alright, come over to my dorm

calculatingExecutive [CE] began pestering twinArmageddon [TA]

Sollux sped to Kyoya's Dorm. "Alriight, 2o here's the deal. Each chumhandle ha2 a pa22word, but they have a u2er iid that all chumhandle2 revolve around. You only need one chumhandle pa22word two acce22 all the chumhandle2 iin the u2er iid. Knowiing Eclaiir, 2he would probably have 2ome 2ort of 2tronger 2ecuriity code two get iin. And that'2 where miind honey come2 iin." Sollux whipped out a flash drive. "Thii2 ii2 all the code you wiill need. The code not only bypa22e2 the 2ecuriity clearance code2, iit al2o remember2 the pa22word2, and automatiically download2 any pe2terlog2 that any of the chumhandle2 of the u2er iid miight have or create iin the future. Bee 2ure two e-maiil any iincriimiinatiing eviidence you have. We could u2e iit." Kyoya plugged the Drive into the computer. Sollux looked at it behind him as the program ran through. Sollux looked at the drive. As it was downloading, Sollux saw a few words on some pesterlogs. He dropped his mouth open, and separated one of the pestelogs from the rest. He did that to another one. "Oh gog no."

"What?"

"Look at the pe2terloge2."

"Oh. Well, that put's everything in a tizzy, doesn't it?"

Eridan and Reiko sat apart. He sat on the bed, she on a chair. "Hey. What's wrong?"

"I just...I don't knoww wwhat you wwould think about me, after all ya learned."

"What do you mean?"

"Reiko, I'm a murderer. I krilled a gill. And she wwas the only one I cared about. Out a all the stupid land-dwwelling fucks wwho came in the game with me, I wwent into the game because a her. To protect her. And look wwhat happened there. Cod-I just should have died. I should havve just stayed on my planet, watching Alternia burn. Evven wwhen she did come back, I nevver forgavve myself. I nevver wwill." He sat back into the bed, and turned off the light. Reiko looked at Eridan, a tear rolling down her cheek in pity of what he had to go through. She began to sing:

_"Oh no, did I get too close?_

_Oh, did I almost see what's really on the inside?_

_All your insecurities_

_All the dirty laundry_

_Never made me blink one time,_

_Come just as you are to me_

_Don't need apologies_

_Know that you are unworthy_

_I'll take your bad days with your good_

_Walk through this storm I would_

_I'd do it all because I love you,_

_Unconditional, unconditionally_

_I will love you unconditionally_

_There is no fear now_

_Let go and just be free_

_I will love you unconditionally."_ She laid down next to him, as She Gave his unconscious body a kiss. She put her arms around him, and went to sleep as well.

Eridan's dream returned. Feferi had her chainsaw raised, when suddenly, who should appear but Reiko. "STOP!" Yelled Eridan. "She'll kill you!"

"She can't unless I let her, Cronus." What was this about Cronus? Suddenly, Eridan looked at…himself…as a troll. He looked at Reiko and Eridan. And then it all became clear. He was Cronus. He wasn't himself. Not in this dream. Reiko looked at Feferi, who had raised her chainsaw at Reiko. But instead of running, the witch embraced the dead girl. "Hey. It's OK." She pointed at Eridan. "You too. We're all in this together." Eridan walked foreword. Eridan-Cronus sat there, processing what was going on. a light enveloped Eridan and the dead Feferi, merging them. The Result was Eridan, as a human. Eridan and Reiko held hands and then walked through a door in the shape of the SBURB logo that had opened in front of them.

Meanwhile, in France, Eclair and Tamaki were relaxing on the couch. "Hey."

"Hey."

"So, I just wanted to requite you for bearing with me the past couple of days. And I just wanted to invite someone over."

"Who?" Just then, a footman stepped in. "Madame Tonnerre? Your guest has arrived." And just like that, Anna Sophie de Grantiane stepped thorough the door. Tamaki was amazed. He threw his arms around his mother, tears in his eyes. There were only three individuals he ever loved: Haruhi Fujioka, Dirk Strider, and her. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM] began pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

TA: 2up Renge

EM: So, I've been pestered by Eclair, and I've been selected to be a bridesmaid.

Sollux's eye's shot up. He had a plan.

TA: get all of the ho2t2 together at our dorm. ii have a plan

enthusiasticMatchmaker [EM] ceased pestering twinArmageddons [TA]

"Alright sol, wwhy did you call us here?" Eridan came in last to the dorm. "Alriight, II've got a plan to get Tamakii back."

"What do you propose?"

"Alriight, We've got 2ome eviidence to piin Grand Tonnerre, which show2 that Grand Tonnerre ha2 plan2 to do a ho2tile takeover of Tamakii2 family buisne22."

"But one wwould wwonder howw to get that info across."

"That'2 what ii wa2 goiing two get two. Renge ha2 been 2elected a2 a briide2maiid. What we do ii2 we have her get iintwo the church wiith a fla2h driive contaiiniing the eviidence. At the 2ame tiime, we bu2t iin the church wiith a computer and show the fiile2."

"What then?"

"We do thii2: we hold a gun two the head of Grand Tonnerre. Iif they don't annul the engagement and 2end Tamakii back, we giive the fiile2 two the world mediia."

"How do we get to France?"

"Easy. We all come planning to take Tamakii for diiner, a one niight thiing. II'm 2ure Eclaiir would under2tand."

"And do wwe?"

"Yeah."

calculatingExecutive [CE] began pestering irresistibleLadiesman [IL]

CE: Tamaki

IL: Kyoya

CE: So we should be able to get you out of this

IL: what are you getting on about?

CE: We have a plan. Listen to me; which church are you planning to get married in?

IL: Notre Dame

CE: right. This makes things harder.

IL: What are you talking about?

calculatingExecutive [CE] ceased pestering irresistibleLadiesman [IL]

"Gentlemen, this should be harder than we thought. Apparently, Tamaki and Eclair are getting married at Notre Dame." Some of the hosts cursed. "Well, if they were aiming for security, then they couldn't have picked a better place. Not only would there be their own private security guards be there, but Parisian police, and maybe even some JDCP would be there. These people are serious." Eridan's wand glowed as he held it up. "So are wwe."

The Flight to Paris was anything but restful. A frontal assault would be useless, if theatric. Perhaps if they used a back door-no, that would be useless as well, they guarded every exit. The only way into the place would be an invitation; as someone who had some relation to a bridesmaid, Sollux already had one. Just be a little bit late, and they would be able to stop the wedding. Time would be tight; they would have to get in during to objections, so if they timed it right, they could make it.

When they landed in CDG, they all felt so tired. They would be staying at a hotel near the Cathedral. Jake opened the door to Dirk's room. "`Allo."

"Hey, Jake."

"How do you feel about all this?"

"Why do you ask?"

"No reason, I just want to keep you company, if it bothers you that much I can leave-"

"No, no problem." Dirk paused. "I guess I just missed him, and I just wonder what I will say to her when I see her."

"I don't doubt that you miss him."

"I just hope it's not too late. I hope he hasn't drifted apart from me. I just feel so attached-"

A few miles away, Tamaki sat down on the piano chair, and he began to play a familiar song, on a somber key. "Wielcommen, Beinvenue, Welcome." He imagined he was back at Ouran, playing for his fans. "_Fremde, Etrange, Stranger_." He thought of the fragrant teas and cakes. There was Eridan, blushing as the girls opened their heart to him, Jake, standing behind a girl, teaching her how to shoot a pistol, kissing her as she fired. "_Gluchlich Zeuhiesen, Je suis enchante, Happy to see you; Blibe, reste, stay_." There was Hikaru and Kaoru challenging anyone who came by for a game of Which-One-is-Kaoru, and Kyoya, showing his plans for the host club, his future plans. And finally, there was Dirk, riding his Rocket board with one of his favorites. Dirk-at the thought of him Tamaki chocked back as sob. The happiest day of Tamaki's life was just around the corner, and he couldn't feel more miserable. He felt a pair of arms around his shoulders. "I need to get ready for the big day tomorrow, Ma Cherie, I will only be away for the night. Oh, and Tamaki-Someone is coming for you. Last night of freedom." Éclair left the room. Tamaki went to the front door. He opened it, and then he saw a dark haired young man wearing a tuxedo. "Tamaki-Let's go." Tamaki walked inside the Limo carrying his family.

"By the way, how was the rehearsal?"

"Not bad."

Two hours later, they were back in the car. Dirk put his hand over Tamaki's. "We've got a plan to get you out."

"I know."

"That's only half of it. Tamaki, it's been a few weeks since you left, and we need to talk: Do you still-you know-love me?" Tamaki thought it over. "I love Éclair, but I don't know if she truly loves me back. I don't think her feelings extend beyond a simple crush. But I love you-and I think you requite my feelings. A relationship is a two way street." With that, Dirk and Tamaki's lips met. Around the limo, smiles abounded.

Tamaki looked at Eridan as they walked words Eclair house. "Hey. Eridan. Can we talk?"

"Yeah." Tamaki walked inside the house. Eridan followed. "Eridan. I don't think I can do it anymore. Be a host. Maybe this is for the best. I think maybe I should settle down with someone. And maybe you should too."

==Eridan: get angry.

Eridan was shaking with rage. "Howw-howw dare you! You're about to marry someone who is goin to manipulate you, and you just decide to fuckin-givve up? Reely, Tam. Reely. You'vve growwn soft. The Tam I kneww wouldn't go out without a fight." He heard a small sound coming out. A song in french.

"Je suis sur le point de perdre mon esprit

vous êtes partis pour si longtemps

Je suis à bout du temps

J'ai besoin d'un docteur

appelez-moi un docteur

J'ai besoin d'un docteur, un docteur

me ramener à la vie…" Eridan opened his mouth, and spoke in an angry voice:

"I told Skaia one day I wwould pay it back!

Say it on tape and lay, it record it

so that one day I could play it back!

But I don't evven knoww if I believve it wwhen im saying that-

Doubt starting to creep in, evvery day is just so grey and black...

Hope? I just need a ray of that,

cause no one sees my vvision wwhen I play it for em

You all say its wwack-

But you don't knoww wwhat dope is,

and I don't knoww if i wwas awwake or asleep

wwhen i wwrote this

all I knoww is you came to me wwhen I wwas at my lowwest!

You picked me up, breathed neww life in me

I owwe my life to you!

But for the life of me I don't see wwhy you don't see like I do!

but it just dawwned on me you got a wwife!

demons fighting you its dark-

let me turn on the lights and brighten me and enlighten you...

I don't think you realize wwhat you mean to me

not the slightest clue!

cause me and you wwere like a creww!

I wwas like your sidekick!

You gon either wwanna fight me wwhen I get off this fucking mic

or you gon hug me-

But im out of options there's nothing else I can do cause it hurts wwhen I see you struggle!

You come to me wwith ideas!

You say they're just pieces so I'm puzzled

'Cause the shit I hear is crazy!

But you're either getting lazy or you don't believve in you no more

seems like your own opinion's not one you can form!

Can't make a decision you keep questionin yourself-

Second guessin and it's almost like you're beggin for my help-

Like I'm your leader-

you're supposed to fuckin be my mentor!

I can endure no more,

I demand you remember wwho you are!

It wwas you wwho believed in me!

WWhen evveryone was telling you don't sign me

Evveryone at the fuckin host club, let's tell the truth!

You risked your career for me!

I knoww it as wwell as you!

Nobody wwanted to fuck wwith the hipster tramp crying in his booth!

You savved my life, noww maybe it's my turn to savve yours…

But I can nevver repay you, wwhat you did for me is wway more!

But I ain't givving up faith and you ain't givving up on me-

Get up Tam, I'm dying, I need you, come back for fuck's sake, 'cause:" Eridan was drowned out by the song:

"Je suis sur le point de perdre mon esprit

vous êtes partis pour si longtemps

Je suis à bout du temps

J'ai besoin d'un docteur

appelez-moi un docteur

J'ai besoin d'un docteur, un docteur

me ramener à la vie…"

Eridan stormed out of the house. "Hey, Tam! It wwasn't the fangirls wwho made me human! Not even Reiko! It was YOU, Tam! YOU!" Eridan went into the car, slamming the door behind him.

The next day, Éclair stepped out of her limo. The cathedral had been built for over 400 years. She walked down the isle. Her wedding dress was long and flowing. She had no train. She had long disliked them. Tamaki's purple eyes beamed at her, like two emeralds from some long lost civilization. She walked up to the altar. Tamaki grinned at her. "You're glowing."

"You don't look half bad either."

"Still the flirtatious type, I see." They were staring at each other's eyes for the entire time the priest gave his blessing towards the marriage. Finally, the rector came to the vows. "Do you, Éclair Tonnerre, take this man, Rene Tamaki Suoh, to be your lawfully wedded husband?"

Meanwhile, several people were running through Paris in a black limo. "COMEONCOMEON!"

"I do."

"And do you, Rene Tamaki Suoh, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Tamaki paused for a second that seemed like a millennia. Finally, he spoke up. "I do."

"I see the cathedral!" They stopped the car. Eridan threw a wad of Euros at the Valet.

"Now, should anyone have any objections to why this couple should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace." A few feet away, Sollux showed his invitation. "The2e are friiend2 of miine! Let u2 through!"

The rector waited for a moment. "If there are no objections, I see no reason why this wedding should not continue. By the powers invested in me by god and the Glorious nation of France, I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss the bride." Tamaki looked sad. They never came through. He closed his eyes as their lips came together. Five feet. Two feet. One foot. Half a foot. Three inches. One inch. Why did he hear footsteps in the hall? It sounded loud. And angry. Eridan spoke in his loudest voice possible. This was the moment he had been waiting for.

"WWE OBJECT!"

Have you been inside Notre Dame when it is silent? Between worshippers and tourists, it never seems to be silent.

The host club was panting. An elderly woman who was clearly Tamaki's grandmother sat up. "What is the meaning of this?!" Yuruzu Suoh looked at the host club. "Kyoya Otoori, Is'nt it?"

"Yes, Suoh-san. I will be able to explain our behavior."

"You'd better." Kyoya looked up at the families. "This marriage was a setup!" Some people gasped. "This marriage was to be manipulated by the board of Grand Tonnerre into a hostile takeover of Suoh Industries."

"What proof do you have of that?" At this, Sollux came to front. "II'm glad you a2ked. We found thii2 takeover plan through some diiggiing." Éclair was awestruck. "You searched through my personal files?"

"And that's what the computer is for?"

"No. The computer ii2 for 2howiing you all the treachery."

"Here are our demands; annul the marriage, or wwe send this to the wworld media. The Neww York Times, the Telegraph, the wwhole lot. And wwe can assure you that you're company wwill go up in fuckin FLAMES if wwe do. Oh, and Éclair? You wwill probably be seen as the innocent manipulated vvictim in all this, but I can say that you wwon't havve much in the long run." Sollux went up to Renge, and she slipped him the USB. He plugged it into the computer.

Tamaki's father and the Tonnerre executives looked at the files. "Well, I see. We will annul the marriage in due time. To the host's who have uncovered this, I thank you for your work-"

"Wait!" shouted Éclair. "I've one card to play. One you get that sorted out, we need to debate whether or not I keep your unborn grandson, Monsieur Suoh."

==WARNING! WARNING! FABRIC OF STORY CRUMBLING! FABRIC OFJDJKFAJKFE

=ASDFKJDQLF**YOUARENOWLIVINGINTHELASTFANFICTIONYOUREADHOWFUCKEDAREYOU**JFASHDFJDHJFAK

Honey let out a gasp. Eridan swore under his breath. Even Mori and Kyoya, the coolest members of the club under fire exchanged looks. Tamaki looked at Éclair's stomach in horror. "You're-you're pregnant?"

"And you, Monsieur, are the father." Tamaki stared at her in shock. "I-I'm a father?" Yuruzu was furious. "This is a ploy. It's a cheap ploy, a fraught trick. I can't allow-" He was silenced when Éclair held up a test strip that registered positive.

"2he'2 riight. 2he diidn't 2ee our gate-cra2hiing comiing. 2he's pregnant, and there'2 no way iin hell that 2he would giive it up." The church was silent once more, except for the laughing of a Frenchwoman. "Allow me to be a deus ex machina. Human life is inviolable; Miss Tonnerre, I will not allow the abortion of my grandchild, but I can assure you she will not remain in your care either. We will raise him until he is old enough to go to Ouran."

"Wwait-wwhat do you mean wwe?" At this, Anna Sophie de Grantiane smiled at the young host. "Ampora, Isn't it? Well, I am happy to make the announcement that Tamaki's father and I are getting married as soon as we can." She looked at Éclair's stomach and smiled. "You're going to Ouran just like your father. You might just join the host club!"

"Like father, like son."

Two hours later, Tamaki and Éclair were leaning against a car. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I have a question."

"Shoot."

"Why did you decide to try to use our son to keep me around?" Eclair didn't say anything. Tamaki simply spoke again: "Some commoners keep the baby, and they use it to leech off the father. But both you and I know that you have more money than god, so what do you need me for?"

"Do you really want to know why?"

"Why?" She smiled. "Because I viewed our marriage as more than just following orders."

"Cut the crap." He spoke those words through gnarled teeth. "Because I loved you." He looked at her with sympathetic purple eyes. "You know, you had a chance to make me love you back. To win me from Dirk. I won't lie: you almost had it. But now, today, you blew it." And with that, he walked out of her life. He Yelled back to her: "You can visit our son whenever you want: I can't take that away from you. I've taken enough." Inside the reception hall, Eridan poured a glass of champagne. As he was about to raise the glass to his lips, a voice said across the hall, "Don't drink too much of that." Eridan spun around, and saw Benzaiten standing behind him. She wore a kimono this time. "It's OK; I'vve had wworse."

"Hey, you did good."

"Nah, givve the credit to Kyo, he did it."

"But you got the codes from me. And to do that, you had to tell the truth to Reiko."

"Oh, Yeah. That." A third voice spoke in the hallway: "Eridan? Are you talking to someone?" HIkaru-or was it Kaoru? Was leaning against the arch. Eridan looked around for the goddess, but she was nowhere to be seen. "Oh-nobody, I guess..."

"Hey, why does it smell like-cherry blossoms?"

"I don't knoww..."

A month passed. The host club was back in full swing, with Tamaki back in Ouran. They decided that Tamaki and Éclair were to be married for another 9 months; they were not to meet, but the marriage was so that their son, to be named Julien, would not be married out of wedlock. No sooner than Tamaki had returned than studying for exams would be started, and Kyoya announced a moratorium of 70% of host club activities to that the female students could study. Haruhi was particularly cramming for the finals. Eridan performed well in the finals, not miraculous, but enough to get by with at least one flying color. But there was even more happy news: when Eridan began to look for Jake, he saw the Englishman kissing a high school first year up against the wall. Eridan smiled as he left the room.

After finals were finished, people were getting ready for the end of the year concert. That was when the cultural clubs and the host club all began to perform their dance routines, songs, and performances. Eridan was particularly happy to see the Jazz club perform; indeed, they used the space well. Finally, a faculty member stepped up and said, "For the grand finale, I present the Ouran high school host club!" Eridan and the rest of the host club got set up. Mori was Bass, Honey was drums, the Twins were rhythm, and Tamaki was Lead. Eridan, Jake, Dirk, and Sollux were all on vocals.

Sollux stepped up to the microphone first. "OURAN ACADEMY, MAKE 2OME NOII2E!" the crowd screamed.

"A one, two, three, four!" Honey began banging away on the drums, as Sollux began to sing:

"There'2 a game iin the world, a liittle biit of cat and mou2e

wiith the boy2 and the giirl2, and iif ii had two ante up," Sollux nodded in Eridan's direction for a split section

"I'd bet on the birds cause they dont havve to get caught up

wwith the boys and the girls and a little game of cat and mouse..." Switch to Dirk:

"Mommy did it, Daddy did it,

Funny little monkeys in the zoo do it,"

To Jake: "The stupid do it, the ugly do it,

only the unlucky ever get to do it,

Let's fall in love, Let's fall in love."

"There's a game in the wworld a little bit of cat and mouse

wwith the boys and the girls and if I had to ante up-

I'd bet on the birds cause they don't havve to get caught up

wwith the boys and the girls and a little game of cat and mouse..."

"Mommy did it, daddy did it

Even though I bet they wish they really didn't-"

"Mary did it, Joey did it

Even little bitty baby Jesus did it: Let's fall in love..."

"Yuppies do it, junkies do it

The funny little monkeys in the zoo do it

The stupid does it, the foolish do it

Only the unlucky of us get to do it: Let's fall in love..."

==Sollux and Eridan: Finish this bitch

"Finish it off, Eridan!" Yelled Jake. Eridan and Sollux looked at each other. _Together_, they thought. _Let's do this together._

"Mommy diid iit, daddy diid iit

The funny liittle monkey2 iin the zoo do iit

The 2tupiid doe2 iit, the ugly do iit

Only the unlucky of u2 get twwo do iit,"

"Let'2 fall in lovve..."

==End of Act2 Act2

==End of Act 2

==The End

==Best Possible Ending

== Play again? Y/N

== Recommend this fanfiction by email to anyone who would be interested :D

== Also, please leave a review.


	8. Epilogue

On the night after the show, Haruhi and Kyoya reconvened in the music room.

"How did they do, Senpai?"

"Not a bad first year. I'm excited to see what they have in store for us next year." A small smile played on Haruhi's lips. "More adventures, I'm sure." Kyoya's voice and face became much more businesslike. "Haruhi, there is something meaning to tell you."

"What's that?"

"Haruhi, my father and I have been exchanging words, and he has been very impressed with you. You don't take crap. Your interactions with Tamaki show that much. Also, my father believes that your liberal attitude is exactly what I need emotionally."  
"Kyoya, where is this going?" The cool type was loosing his cool. "Granted, you don't have to, It's OK with me." Haruhi looked at Kyoya with a look as if some scientist has read _Metamorphosis_. "To put it in more _businesslike _terms, my father was wondering if you'd like to engage in a romantic liaison with me. " Waves of understanding crashed over the honor student. Kyoya went on: "It would benefit both of us. I can benefit your legal education. My family can get you into Harvard easily. And it's a good PR stunt if I marry a commoner."

"So-get into a loveless relationship, just to advance our future careers?"

"No! Nothing of the sort! It's not love it's just-admiration." Haruhi put a smile to her lips. "C'mon, _mommy_. Let's go piss off Tamaki-" Haruhi froze.

"What's going on?"

"I felt something. Like-my mother." Kyoya shrugged and ran out. Haruhi followed, but what she didn't realize was a spirit, wandering around the sacrosanct halls of the school, following her daughter. And tonight, Mrs. Fujioka shed a tear of happiness for her daughter.

* * *

Kind of hard to piss someone off if you don't have a rocket board and they are at the top of Tokyo tower. Dirk and Tamaki were enjoying the view and a box of _Pocky_ sticks. "It is really romantic that you decided to go to France to rescue me, isn't it?"

"I guess."

"Its as if we were meant to be together, just the two of us, and we-"

"Shut the fuck up, Tamaki."

"Huh?"  
"Tamaki, shit up. Get over here, and get your wicked snog on." Dirk said those words with a look. Ukes; We all know what that look our seme gives us, don't we? The look that gives us a sort of magnetic pull? Yeah, that's the look that Dirk gave his boyfriend. As if drawn in a trance state, Tamaki walked towards his boyfriend, and they pressed their lips together, and Tamaki and Dirk were holding hands, and there was nothing, _nothing_, that could let Dirk go.

* * *

Back on the hills of Ouran, Sollux and Renge were looking up at the stars. "Hey-look. Cancer is right above us. And look-Leo's right around the corner. And look-Gemini."

"Ii'm a Gemiinii."

"Cool! I'm a Capricorn." She frowned. "We're not easily compatible. A Gemini-Capricorn is sort of a dark horse with parings."

"Well, Nobody expected u2, diid they?"  
"Nope!"

* * *

Eridan and Reiko were walking back to their dorm the after-party was long over. They were laughing all the way back. When they reached the door of the room, he beckoned her inside first and then, he followed. They stared at the bed. Reiko bit her lip. When she left for her first year of High school, her mother gave her this advice: _If you find a man in Ouran desirable, before you commit to the deed, think on this: can you see yourself with him? Getting married to him? Having children?_ And Reiko can see it all. She could see herself getting married to Eridan. She could see Cronus, crawling out of her womb and into the new life that awaited him. The mood became very tense. Eridan could see every word she was thinking. "I-I'll go easy on you. It's my first time, wwith human reproduction and evveryfin." They locked lips, and Eridan could feel his tie coming off. He found the zipped at the back of his matesprit's dress and pulled down.

* * *

Toru and Kanako got married in the summer of that year, with Jake as the best man. Kanako's stomach began to swell with the baby, and it was clear she was with child by the end of their honeymoon. By the beginning of the next year, Hiroshi Suzushima was born.

* * *

December 24th came apace. Christmas eve is seen as a romantic holiday in Japan, and Renge was prepping for her annual waifu date with Miyabi. She preferred her stuffed pillow to a screen. When she sat down and got dinner ready, she bowed at the table. "_Itadakemasu_," She mumbled. As she got back up from bowing, she saw that her own boyfriend, Sollux Captor, was in front of her, and he was wearing a Miyabi cosplay costume. Down to the last detail. "S-sol-chan?"

"Am II conviinciing enough?"  
"Oh my god, yes!" They ate in lively discussion. Sollux looked at her. "Renge, II've been thiinkiing, and I want to a2k you for 2omethiing."  
"What is it?" Sollux exchanged his cosplay glasses for his 3D's, and got down on one knee beside her seat. He produced a small box, and opened it to reveal a ring. "Renge Houshakuji, wiill you bee my waiifu?"

* * *

The day was Febuary 14th, the most beautiful of the year. Tamaki was having a not-semi-celebration of the one year anniversary of the loss of his virginity, Sollux and Renge were engaged, which sent a flurry through the school; Sollux's request rate rose by 20%. Eridan and Reiko were just walking through the school halls. Eridan took off one of his rings. "Eridan, Are you all right?"  
"Yeah, I'm fine. Never better, in fact, there is a reason I'm taking it off."

"What would that reason be?"  
"I wwant to give it to you."

"So-you did forget. There's no shame in that."

"No, it's for another reason." He huffed his shoulders. They walked on. Eridan sat down on a bench. Reiko followed suit. "Reiko, I wwanna talk to you about somefin."

"Yeah?"  
"I just-I just wwas thinkin. I don't wwanna fuck this up."

"Fuck what up?"  
"If this doesn't go ovver wwhale, then I don't think I can deal wwith it-"

"Yes."  
"Wwhat?"

"Eridan, I know you are going to ask to marry me. You don't make things subtle." Eridan smiled at her. "Reiko, wwill you make me the happiest ex-troll on earth, and-

"Not unless you get on one knee and do all that." Eridan grinned as he held out his ring and got down on one knee.

* * *

Julien Suoh was born! The son of Tamaki was cradled in his grandmother's arms. The host club crowded around, and wouldn't leave until the nurse call them out. They filed out save for Tamaki. "May I-"

"Yes, of course. The newly wedded Anne-Sophie de Grantine Suoh Gave the baby to her son. "Tamaki sat down and cradled the baby. It was so beautiful in his arms, with his mother's blue eyes. Tamaki could already see his blond hair coming out in the child. He began to sing a song every Frenchman and woman knows:  
_En haut de la rue St-Vincent  
Un poète et une inconnue  
S'aimèrent l'espace d'un instant  
Mais il ne l'a jamais revue-_

He heard a tapping noise, and saw the boy's mother behind him. Tamaki begrudgingly handed over the baby, but did not leave the room. "_Desole_. What could have been." Éclair rocked the child, laughing in her arms. His parents would be divorced within the month. "It could be worse."  
"_Oui_. I know. I've been surrounded by suitors ever since I hit legal age. For matters of love, I will want for nothing. But after that one magical month with you, I don't think I can ever love again."

"Don't do this, Éclair. Don't go and waste your youth and beauty on some convent. There is someone out there, someone better than me. If you know where to look, you will find him. Or her." He kissed her on the forehead, and then left the divorcee with her regret.

* * *

"Eridan, are you all right?" Eridan's best man, Tamaki, looked at the Prince of Hope with concern. "I-I'm all right." Even for earth standards, it was young to marry at 18. "Hey, I've been in this business for quite a while. It'll be OK."  
Eridan looked over the crowd. His groomsmen were Sollux, John, Dave, Gamzee, and Honey. The Organ sounded, and Reiko walked through the crown, her black hair shining brightly, even with her veil. Nekozawa led Reiko down the aisle, Kirimi throwing orchid pedals at the audience behind him. Eridan removed her veil, and she was glowing. He thought of Cronus and Dulescar looking down on him, as he said the two words that would change his life.

"I Do."

* * *

Eridan was back in Ouran, where the party continued. His guests all congratulated him, and Reiko was cheered on as they returned. This parade was'nt over by a long shot, there was the double wedding of Dirk-Tamaki and Sollux-Renge….

* * *

Renge and Sollux looked out side the balcony of their San Francisco suite. "Sollux."

"Yeah?"

"We could live here."

"We 2hould. I'm a coder that'2 goiing intwo my twiientiie2, you are going to iinherit half the 2hare2 of your growiing company that need2 ameriican cliient2, and Miituna need2 a home that ii2nt New York."

"So, townhome, or suburbs?"

"Meh, we don't have to afford to thiink of iit now. Let'2 get ready for AOD, Ii'll get my Miiyabii co2play."

When they got back from 'Frisco, Renge was pregnant.

* * *

"I think this is the place…" Eridan and Haruhi looked at the address slip that Terezi gave them. Eridan and Haruhi were given scholarships for Harvard college, along with Terezi. At once, a redhead with black jeans and a Libra t-shirt ran out to greet them. "H3Y 3R1D4N!"

"Hey Ter." The libra paused for a minitue. "WHO 1S TH4T 1 SM3LL? W3 M3T 4T TH3 W3DD1NG, R1GHT? H4RUH1?"

"Uh-yeah it's me."

"W3LL, TH3 GOOD N3WS 1S TH4T YOUR TOOMS 4R3 4LL S3T UP."

"Wwhats the bad newws?"

"YOU 4R3 NOT GO1NG TO B3L1V3 WHO GOT 1NTO M1T. 4444ND, H3S YOUR ROOM13."

_It's goin to be a vvery long sevven years._

* * *

Mituna Captor and Cronus Dulescar Ampora were born a few months away from each other. Eridan and Sollux got the applications for Ouran, in the meantime, the remaining trolls and kids in New York would raise the pre-scratch trolls.

* * *

Eridan, Terezi, and Haruhi graduated from Harvard with flying colors. Sollux graduated from MIT, his "invented" programing language his thesis. Eridan and Reiko went Washington, D.C. Eridan decided to campaign for the Kings County representative county seat in the House of Representatives. He won through his wit, promise, and youthful vigor that he had learned as a host. He was well received by DC royalty and the press as the young up-and-coming, ambitious, and with the smarts to fulfill them. Sollux, meanwhile, went to greener pastures, in sunny San Fransisco. He started his startup, MiNdHoNeY®, and wrote a few programs for the highest bidder. He made about 5,000 dollars a month. Renge, on the other hand, received the shares and opened the American branch of Houshakuji Corporation. Haruhi worked at a fulltime job as the head of the Otoori legal division. Kyoya was the head of marketing, and put his skills to good use.

* * *

Mituna was sitting in the car that would take him to the airport. The eight-year old was excited to go to Ouran for the second time. Beside him sat Cronus and Darren Strider. Darren's father, Dave, had become a rapper, getting a pro record label with Jay-Z's company. The reason the 7-year old was going to Ouran was because of the ears. You see, Darren's mother Jade had taken in a huge amount of First guardian DNA from Bec in the game. It was dormant after her body had passed through and claimed the ultimate reward, but Darren's stupid punnet square was out to lunch, and ne how had the ears and tail of a dog. And he would get bullied to death for that in America. Fortunately, the Japanese have a thing for ears like that. The car braked, and the three of them filed out into the plane. "Vwhale, here wve go again…" They buckled their seat belts, and the plane flew out into the wild blue yonder.

* * *

Five years passed. Cronus was now a middle school third year, and a host to boot, playing the "bad boy" host type well. He walked into the music room, and saw the rest of the hosts:

Hiroshi Suzushima, First year High schooler, "Sensitive type"

Julien Suoh, First year High schooler, "Princely type"

Mituna Captor, Third year Middle schooler, "Klutz type"

Darren Strider, Second year Middle schooler, "Kitty boy"

Rin Otoori, Second year Middle schooler, "Cool type"

He also noted the manager, Minako Otoori, who was Rin's older sister. Kuudere as she was, she rejected every one of Cronus's advances. Maybe this was his lucky day-

"Hey doll, wvhats goin on?"

"Fuck off, Ampora."

"Wvoah, no need to be mean." A look from Rin told him to back off.

"Hey! If you two lovebirds are ready, we've got guests to entertain." Julien sat back into his chair, as guests flooded the door. "Let's give them all we've got."


End file.
